Everyone will die.
God has made it so.
Small bugs are martyred by
summer sandals, and
does she grieve them?
Under the doormat are small places
she forgets to sweep.
In bleak corners she stores
tattered papers filled with
mean notes.
Her memory revived by familiar musk
or a slight twist of hips
(sexual exploits in
the flooded gravel pit)
then shrinks against the walls of her adult life.
unravel and reweave
unravel and reweave
the blue body in the bathtub
used to be a man.
He pulled the shower curtain from its rings
(but did he cry out?)
Death courts her from the periphery.
Maybe she'll forgive God tomorrow.
Author notes
First edits.
A woman's struggle after being widowed for the second time in 6 years.
A contest entry
- For The Deceased by DeadlyTurnip.
1550 points, ended March 24, 2008, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Reviews Appreciated
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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FransB
Had to read this a couple of times to appreciate. The first three stanzas I could 'enjoy', and also the last one - the middle three distracts the mentioned four.
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i really liked it, its deep. the way your words flow its beautiful.
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Promise...sing
Poignant composition of heart attacks in all senses of the term
the warp and weft of the unravel and reweave pattern revealing Penelope's grief may of course be relieved should the adage 'third time lucky' ring true some day
... 'en attendant' ... Maybe she'll forgive God tomorrow. -
I love how meaningful your poem is and the way in which you have penned it.
I like the style you write in paying particular attention to the layout of your writing, I think you've got amazing talent.
keep up the good works of art!!
Lexy xx
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Great depth in this poem, you really explore feeling. I like the second stanza, it was definatey an interesting touch to the poem. Tho, i think I agree with darreniscold, I would consider changing the word 'mean' to something stronger. It would fit better in the context of the poem.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this, great work! -
I LOVE this poem. It has very nice rhythm pattern and the words are amazing. nice job.
The only critical review I have is the line:
tattered papers filled with
mean notes.
I dont like the word "mean". I would think of something to make the sentence stand out more. Mean kind of sounds childish. Hope I helped. -
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yes, thanks for your input. I see what you mean, that line is a little shabby, I agree, but it's funny that you mention that "mean" seems childish. That's exactly what it's supposed to be - a person storing all kinds of mean thoughts (about herself, mostly) - and by doing so being childish. I think I need to keep the "mean" to get across the childishness of the character (although it is hinted at throughout the poem) and rework the line a little so it's less boring. Meter's off, too.
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