It wasn't just a case of mutual admiration,
when I left my heart at the train station.
I'm certainly pissed at my work administration,
for failing at the last quarters negotiation.
They made a grevious inventory miscalculation,
which caused a vendor's full cancellation.
This is not the time for this complication
right at the start of our serious relation.
Tonight I was going to ask for confirmation,
get both of us together for a consummation.
A contest entry
- Prompt!! by Naridill.
300 points, ended June 2, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Interesting, nice flow with the ryhme and keeping it together, not whats in my mind, but penned very nicely either way.
Much luck.
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very well done. i don't know if i could have written a poem where the last word in evry line rhymed but you have managed to do it and do it well my friend. and good lord, don't you hate when what you wrote about happens?
very well done with the prompt. best of luck in the contest. be well and be blessed
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nice
and again work keeps us from our love and desires.
i hope yes is the answer to the confirmation, and also consummation.
good job.
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I think you picked the words quite well, and this made the work all the more quite amusing. I like your works because it is distinct in a way that it feels so light, yet it is well crafted.
Line 6 "which caused a vendors full cancellation." I think "vendors" should be "vendor's." Otherwise, it sounds grammatically incorrect. Sorry if I had to mention that. But usually corrections like these do not necessarily mean that your grammar is poor, but that any corrections could help make the work more pleasurable and the errors less distracting.
Sorry if I've said too much. But I really liked this work. Keep writing!
- Nick (",) -
Wow, that couldn't have been easy to use ten complex rhymes without it feeling strained. This is an amazing little poem, but actually caught my eye because of the title. Even the poem itself is a little humorous. Great work, and good luck in the contest.
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