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A startling dream entered my mind last night
of visions profound from my forgotten insight.
Storm clouds angry and uneasy were tossed about,
instinctive fear caused my dry lips to cry out.
Before me appeared a boiling withering hue
and within moments appeared a vision of you.
Reddish clouds were flanked by heaven and hell,
where anger abounds intensely and easy to tell.
Hooded men were watching, grave and forlorn,
previous lovers with hearts tattered and torn.
A swirling cauldron of grief and derisive turmoil,
where loathing and hurt were about to embroil.
Suddenly the nightmare became crystal clear,
it was your day of reckoning I surmised in fear.
Then a shaft of light from Heaven descended,
highlighting your image as God had intended.
In vain you attempted a reverse of your course,
to avoid facing Him, feining your guilt and remorse.
For when judgement day has but finally arrived,
God demands an answer for past sins contrived.
Although to you it was but a mischievous game,
He will decide your future, be it Heaven or flame.
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Author notes
When you find yourself in a hole, STOP DIGGING!!!"
option 7 Bazza
In a list
A contest entry
- God? The Devil? Yourself? A butterfly? by l33t-n1nj4.
600 points, ended August 23, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let Loose Your Anger by LittleMissMary.
650 points, ended November 28, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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You are a very talented writer. This piece was beautiful. The lines were so smooth from one to the next you did a terrific job
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Another beautiful write (:
I love the the way you make it flow so well, whilst ryhming it
The imagery was brilliant as usual, and it carried so much meaning to it.
Awesome piece of poetry, best of luck
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Wow this is really incredible! So much description and use of vocab. One thing is in the first stanza is that you shouldn't rhyme night with night. But other than that great job and good luck in the contest!
Illuminated *KT*
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ooops
Thanks for pointing out my rhyming error. Strange that with 26 comments, you are the first to notice it, so I have fixed the problem and it makes more sense too. -
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haha that is wierd isn't it?
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Removing to close this contest. please enter in other contest
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I'm sorry but could you please re enter this poem in a new contest i am holding because of some error made this contest will be shut down a new one will be started same type so don't change the poem please!
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This is really good!Iliked it!good luck in the contest!
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Pretty damn good I think, I really liked it! Thank you for entering, good luck!
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I liked it. You had the love, the pain, and revenge in there. Good Job! Good luck in the contest.
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I assume you are disserting/dreaming about Judgment Day. I agree for sure. Rom. 8:1 ..there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.. The intensity in your poem feels like an approaching threatening thundercloud. His wrath is very scary but intercepted in the dying love of Christ. You have strong images death to life and loss in the knowledge. At the end, the greatest reward is that of knowing that we please Christ and He's the only judge. Lots of light emanating from your dream
Thanx
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'Judgment day' a very sensitive topic, well expressed here. The imagery was great and the flow was nice. The rhyming really seemed to boost your poem and the picture is quite fitting too. Lovely write!
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Your MY MAN!!!!!
Humm, omg that was splendid, beautiful, amazing and every other word to describe beauty and perfection!!! I was breath taking and OMG OMG!!!
Utterly magnificent!!!
i love it and i love you .
LMAO
No but seriously it was great, it had amazing flow, creativity, imagery, and every thing a perfext poem needs. !!!!
Great job and keep it up kaydee!!!
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Hphm.
Well I'm Not Sure How This Fits In With The Contest Description,
Anywho
Good Piece
Thank you for taking time to enter my contest and the best of luck to you!
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WOW
fantactic piece full of very vivd imagery well done and good luck in the contest -
I feel rhyming couplets can be very restricting
And can lead to words which are conflicting!
Sometimes stopping one from saying what one wants
Which means I have to end this line with underpants. -
This is a delightful poem with a stunning pic to enhance it. That second to last stanza is heavenly (pardon the pun!).
. Rewarded 4
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Awesome write...can almost envision the full prespective of judgement day...
Then a shaft of light from Heaven descended,
highlighting your image as God had intended.
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You have written a lovely piece here. The story it tells of is on that many I am certain will and can relate to. To live as you wish but in the end one must answers for how it was they lived regardless of beliefs. The only minor bits of this piece that I found bothersome was the fact in stanzas 1 and 9 you rhymed the end lines using the same word as the previous line. I don't feel it took away from the piece persay, but when rhyming one might attempt to veer away from using a repeat word for a rhyme, just my humble opinion on that is all. Thanks for entering and good luck!
Blessings
Bel
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Hi Baz,
The first and 3rd stanzas have equal syllables with each line - the second has 12, 13 ; the fourth has 9 and 11 syllables ; the fifth 10,11 ; the sixth 13.11 ; the next 11.13 ; the next 11.12 ; the next 12,13 ; the next 12.11 ; the last 12.13!
I'm not suggesting as a hard and fast rule that all rhyming lines should contain the same number of syllables, but if a poem doesn't flow correctly, or seem "right", I count syllables with my own feeble attempts, to help picture the problem.
I can see an improvement, but it's still not "right" IMO.
Kind regards,
Robin. -
Well done! I hadn't really asked you to change it but the story is told with a little more ease this time. I fear for other peoples eternity so I related to this poem easily. The first line seems like a vision of the friends death and the last line showing that the judgement is upon those without Jesus as their saviour. I just want to share that it isn't easy talking to others about God, but we shouldn't fear sharing the truth with others.
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This is a wonderful poem, but I dont think that it fits my criteria in two ways. 1)Not long enough. 2) I have no idea about the good or bad relationship. There is not much about a relationship. I apoligize.
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Esroddo
I've rewritten this to make it flow better and more vividly. Hope you agree. -
I have to be honest Baz and say that this is one of your lesser lights.
The flow is "stilted" in too many places - despite the possible differences in pronunciation by opposite ends of the world.
Sorry.
Robin. -
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montez
Hi Robin, gave it a few tweaks and am happier with it now. -
Back to the drawing board.
Thanks Robin, I will do some more work on it. By 'stilted' I presume you mean breaks in the flow or not smooth enough ?? Anyway, practice makes perfect. Hoe's the castle ?? Would love some photos if you have time..
Regards,
Barry
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Very well written. I also am a fan of rhyming and I don't often do it but when you must rhyme a word with itself you must. This story really made me think about the people around me. This is a great poem! Thanks for sharing and finding me.
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Wow this is wonderful
Your so creative an with a great imagination. All this amazing write on that picture. The more I look at that Picture the more it comes to life. You began to see images of life. This is a true Master piece my friend. You out did your self. I would like to book mark this poem with your permission. (Lisa)
"Before me appeared a boiling vast ghostly hue
and in one fleet moment in the centre was you.
The red clouds found between heaven and hell,
where anger abounds intense were easy to tell.
And then the nightmare became crystal clear,
it was your day of reckoning I dreaded in fear."
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hi my dear daddy
wow...a very great piece for this contest. Wish you the best luck in it.
Shahrzad
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Exceptional depth
Didn't HAVE to read twice ... WANTED TO. The pic used to illustrate fits well, but I know from past writes that you do not need a device ... only your powerful pen. It is good to read you again.
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