She was late
A flawless little ivory face with jet hair so glossy
it wove its own thin white ribbons
out of the sunlight
A gracefully erect woman
regal in royal blue
brought her by the hand to sit
on an empty seat in front of me
with the five-year-old Sunday schoolers
Something was odd about the Mama's arm
She caught my eye as she turned to go
I gasped and shrank from the
tight glassy flatness
patchy with gaps and sworls
(like drying plaster smoothed in a single sweep)
that was her face
Dark eyes took me in, but no lips smiled
for there was only a thin dark gash of a mouth
Straightening, she glided to the back of the room
She was late
Smoke and fire pouring from the house
a few neighbors arriving just before her
"My baby!" she'd screamed
clawing free of all restraint
she plunged through the door
They were stunned
she lived to make it out
little bundle cocooned
in her shielding, flaming flesh
She offered her life
paid face and arms
and having gotten
what she valued in the exchange
owned herself victor
She was late
but she was there
Author notes
Face Value
She was late
flawless little ivory face
with glossy jet hair
weaving sunlight
into thin white ribbons
guided by
gracefully erect womanhood
regal in royal blue
into Sunday School chair
ahead of mine
something odd
about her Mama’s arm
she turned -
I gasped,
shrank from
disfigured glassy guise,
patchy gaps and whorls;
dark eyes met mine,
lipless gash
unsmiling
straightening, she glided away...
She was late
home aflame
under ostrich-plumed smoke -
clawed free of neighbors,
crazed to reach her baby
they were stunned
she lived to make it out,
little bundle cocooned
by her shielding, flaming flesh
bid her life
paid face and arms
got what she valued
in exchange;
owned herself
victor
she was late
but she was there
[revision 121 words, original 198 words]
I was about six when I met the two of them.
Before the days of household smoke detectors. If you don't have one, get one. Ideally wired-in with battery back up. Then do drills. Please.
A contest entry
- Looking For Crickets by Celticmoon.
1500 points, ended July 15, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best Pre-write. by islekine.
600 points, ended September 28, 2007, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Practice in COMPRESSION #44 Wed. at Winklings Winter Finals by Lyndon.
3590 points, ended February 26, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I did not realize that the woman's face was disfigured in the initial description, I read it as cold lack of emotion - later, after the scene of the fire, it was more clear, and of course now that I know, it is obvious. I like the tautness of the top version, and repetition of "she was late" works, especially at the end "but she was there". This is an experience that you would not forget, and a poem that I will not.
Best of luck in the judging.
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Thank you, Sandal, for your comment. I had not realized it was not clear that she was disfigured, so redid that in the second version. I appreciate your pointing that out. Thank you!
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It was not clear to me which was the original and which was the rewrite - I think I was mistaken! The version in your author notes is far more direct and clear, and I think more poignant for that. Well done.
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Thank you, Sandal, for the kindness of a second look, and further comment. Much appreciated!
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The housefire is not plain
in version 2. [Prior reading has not swayed me wrongly]
I do think you made good attempts to employ compression within the poetic line.
"A flawless little ivory face with jet hair so glossy" becomes
"flawless little ivory face
with glossy jet hair".
10 to 8 lines but that is not the secret.
Read both and you will find the second version much more potent, poetically.
Thank you fort entering these versions in this contest.
Lyndon of the Winklings.
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Thank you, Lyndon, for the comment. I addressed the unclarity of the housefire in the second version, and made correction. Thank you for pointing it out! Much appreciated!
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My immediate thought when I read this piece was "we gotta get this guy to submit a different entry." That may seem like criticism, but in fact it is exactly the opposite. See, the Raven Contest is for poetry - prose is not allowed (free verse and prose are inequalities, incidently, in case you were wondering). I am really afraid that the rules enforcement body of this contest will kick this work because it is prose as they are charged with looking at rules compliance, not quality. (And even if this piece is indeed prose, not poetry, it still retains the metaphysical meaning of the word within it's passanges.)
As for the piece itself, I enjoyed my several readings of it immensely, from the title straight through to the end. Your descriptions of the woman in the beginning part of the piece are vivid and engaging. I say "engaging" because your words cause us to be interested in the character, especcially as you provide alure and mystery when you write: "Something was odd about the Mama's arm."
I loved the double meaning in the title and felt that it added a special touch to the effort, like a cherry on top. The ending was simular in feeling as it communicated a sense of victory and triumph that was as well written as it was recieved.
I will refer this piece to the REOs so that they may consider its rules-related suitability. If you are interested in making an alternative submission, please email ravencontest@comcast.net and an alternate submission number will be assigned to you, along with the time the contest will be open for you to make the change. I sincerely hope you consider going this route so we that we can retain your considerable skill into the final round of the contest.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
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Dear Raven Judge Das;
Thank you for taking so much of your time to give me such a thorough review of Face Value. It is even more kind, considering your anticipation that it will not be accepted!
Question 1) If it is deemed unsuitable by your REOs, will I be notified and allowed an alternate submission following their decision?
Question 2) If you are sure it's definitely a no-go, how can I tell if an alternative I select is acceptable or not? I don't understand what the difference is between prose and free-verse...can you refer me to a basic, clear definition that will be conclusive as I review other pieces?
I just started writing a couple months ago, and I have a great deal to learn!
Most appreciatively,
Mirthryl
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The lengths a mother will go to for her child is astonishing. I speak this from experience. I have two children and I too would have dove back into a burning building for them in complete disregard for my own safety. For they are our life and without them we would be lost. You have penned an intensely admirable piece of a mother's love for her child. Thank you for entering and good luck!
Blessings
Bel
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cricket
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I would want this in the finalists!!!!!
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Giving this a second read.
This is such a powerful piece. It leaves me breathless, speechless. "Mama" must think it was a small price to pay.
Good luck in the contest!
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