Jenny, a woman at work
has eyes that are like steel two by fours
They hit any man that tries to walk past her
She has no mercy for who they are or
where they've been, whether gods or mortal men
they are there, only to carry out her whims
Can't ever remember seeing her cry
except for that one day,
when she finally recalled my name long enough
to wrap allusion, share about her husband leaving her
He had said,
he was tired of being her Nebrascan tornado basement
with no windows
or the broken shutters of her attic.
There was a pause,
while she waited for me to turn on charm or sympathy,
say it was hard to be beautiful, that it wasn't her fault
But I couldn't relate to her problems
Knowing I'll never have eyes like hers.
A contest entry
- Silence by -ButterflyCuts-.
300 points, ended June 6, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This was some write
I enjoyed it very much. Wow thise are sure some eyes...mac
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amazing poem. truly a master at forming the words, and just as important, the lack there of, around a picture. I can only hope that one day my skills may compare to the beautiful portrait you have painted for us here.
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no, no, no, dont listen to any negative commentary about this. you nailed it.you have a character right off the bat that the reader is immediately drawn to.The coldness, the selfishness, then suddenly volnurability, only its all about her.EXTRAORDINARY!
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well, this is probly one of the finest poems ive read in a while, totally unsuspected images - brilliantly written and a treasure to listen to when spoken aloud...wonderful pauses, natural breath breaks. If this does not take a trophy, i will be greatly disappointed. blessings and best wishes, ~richard
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I like it
I envision a woman who always thought her future was to move "up and out" (in home-life and career), and now, when she's "down and out" no one is there for her. Sad. I think this piece is really nicely stated without needless emphasis of any one aspect of the story. Continued success.
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Describing her eyes as steel two by fours is fantastic. Excellent metaphoric visual.
Reading on further, this woman's persona becomes increasingly vivid. And the way you weave in your reaction, or lack thereof, is very effective here.
I am very impressed with your writing. This is quality poetry in my opinion. Good stuff! Deserves a shiney cup!
Cris
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Great, ok:
"She hits every man with them,
that tries to walk past her"
Something about these two lines doesn't hang quite right...I think you've changed the order around since I last read it, but it's still not quite right.... What about:
"They hit every man
who tries to walk past her" ?
I'm not sure..
"
She hasn't any mercy for gods or mortal men,
and I can't ever remember seeing her cry
"
She has no mercy for gods or mortal men?
-"and I can't ever remember seeing her cry"- it lacks anything poetic.. the whole piece is prose-like, which is great.. but this line needs to be a little more fluid perhaps?
There was a pause
nearly as long as a time it takes a ?
It's a really nice piece I hope that lot helps a little.. xxx
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That was a lot of help. Thanks.
I've tried to incoperate some of what you said and I worked on this quite a bit. I hope it's better now.
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I like this, some of the lines need a little work.....
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Wow. That was really fast! You didn't let the ink even dry! lol Actually I usually find it easier to fix after I post it and I was doing that while you were commenting. I've already fixed it some. And if you have a chance I appreciate if you could be specific on what would help improve this. I'm very open.
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