I've got a quick-commenting illusionist
that I can't trust for the charcoal on his fingers
on my left,
tense shoulders,
and an army of zombies advancing rapidly at the front,
and I am too anxious and
caught up in the unexpected rising of
pieces inside of me
I'd hacked to death,
to take the same kind of axe
to the literal undead as I did to the metaphorical.
I let my irrational fear
tighten in my fingers
and my perfectly reasonable dangling disappointment
cause my legs to still
from their constant habit of jerking up and down.
I wish he hadn't dropped me off first,
though it would have made no difference.
Author notes
I need to stop being such a melodramatic, angsty girl. It's annoying me, but this all that I can write at this point.
A contest entry
- No Title: Just Come Have a Look by I-Am-Custard.
900 points, ended July 5, 2007, 41 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical reviews are welcome.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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2/10
I didn't care for this one. It could do with a nip and tuck, and some serious editing. I couldn't follow it well at all. -
what? this piece is weird hard to follow the point is not clear this is a 0. keep writing it will get better
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I just found this to be a bit too full of fluff. Took away from the point. 4/10.
Bella -
5 out of 10
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This is very unique and an interesting piece. I give this a 6 out of 10
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Melodrama or no, this is very, very good. There were a few very original ideas in here. I didn't expect to like the zombie part (since the word stood out before I'd read it through) but it works remarkably well here.
One thing I would suggest is to break it up just a little bit more. With freeverse you just read until the punctuation says otherwise, and when I did this out loud I found myself running out of breath at times.
Other than that this is lovely. You're a finalist, well done.
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