The Making of Eve
I.
We are silent when there is
too much to say,
it becomes our vanishing point-
fat with words
& sighs, familiar as
my bones
dismantled in your eye;
the moon becomes
simply a rock again, years
are sliced away
& snow falls un-rehearsed
from the ceiling:
it is black with grief.
II.
I rise, an almost bird
impregnated with
weightlessness;
my proper blood
thins with elevation
I wear these wings
like a secret, a tiny dream;
I could balance like this
for hours, at the soft meeting
of clouds
& from the ground
I am invisible.
x
Author notes
In dreams......
[W.I.P]
A contest entry
- You know who you are... by Nicole Hanna.
11000 points, ended June 8, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Powerful piece. I liked the use of imagery and metaphor here. Congrats on the gold.
Pozo
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Nice write, great imagery, and nice choice in vocabulary, it makes the words flow with ease. Enjoyable write, I like the contrast in your metaphore well done. oh by the way, my write (rubik dreams full version) i used your name, i wrote it along time ago for an option contest that required a line using other AP names and i just noticed as i came across your work here that your name is one of the ones i chose, anyhow great write can see why nicole gave you gold
- IndvidualEleven.
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oooh brilliant brilliant brilliant!
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Wonderful metaphors and fantastic imagery. Congratulations on the gold with this deserving piece.
Bravo
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Excellent, love the metaphors and symbolism used here... well done..
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Congratulations! This is a terrific poem but then I am not surprised!
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Thankyou Zayra~~ I took a double place when I saw the results, and then promptly forgot to close my mouth and dribbled half my glass of water down my face and choked
Graceful.. xx
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Amazing poetry...a gold well earned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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That's so kind of you, I'm completely shocked..
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I've finally had time to read this through, I've been interested in it for a while.
the moon becomes
simply a rock again
I love those kind of lines
They seem empty, but filled with so much
It made me feel.....strange
The title and theme were so interesting, I've read it through a few times and am intreuged ever more
I loved the links to fat, bones and fitting into things
Every word was thought out....
Well done, this is a work of delicate, fragile but beautiful art
Good luck in the contest
~Lauren
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Thankyou hunny.....xxxx Take care of yourself...
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I sit back and take your words
in, and I am transported to the
place where your words begin...
Wonderful, Jess.
Love, Lane
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that second section is beautiful. the first one was as well, but the bottom grappled me. i love it. you're quite the talented woman, jess.
justin -
fat words and a fat moon... it's all there in this Jess..
the way we overplay words and make them rounder so they fit to what we want.. what we are trying to say... and often leave thin and less than something..
this is a grand piece Jess... very good
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Thanks Gilly.......fat is a great word. Yes, a poem is just a single idea with the corners cut off and off and off by more words until it's narrowed down to what we want. I should try remember that more often and stick to one idea and make everything I say relevent.....
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Description in this was amazing,
x
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WOW!!! This is absolutely brilliant and I can relate to this one. Your words weave a picture so vivid and real, told in such a poetic way. I was truly captured in every line. Best wishes to you in this contest... x Love and light, Butterfly.
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B.A.N.G.I.N.
"fat with words"... that's BANGIN. lol- Sorry for my stupid use of words but that' show I'm describing this piece. It's utterly, overly, BANGIN.
I really like everything about this poem. The format, the colors, the background, ... Your use of words so specifically... AWESOME.
Bangin job, man. Bangin...
-Mic
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Lovin' that opening stanza. I adore seeing the word "fat" in poetry. lol. Don't ask me why. Everything feels so primal about this piece, because you use physical kinds of words to explain the story: fat, bones, eye, etc. And all in the first stanza! Another piece that I've read today that is short, but still incredibly impactful for me.
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Yes.. I'm always so metaphorical.. I wanted this piece to be grounded, to not feel fragile. And grounded to lay strong foundations to take off from- if you get what I mean.
This is gonna be a toughie to judge, i don't envy you!
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Interesting don't know what to say.
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beautiful.......
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hmmmm... this is interesting. very very interesting.
I'm wondering what the metaphors mean. Are you snow? and you are the one that is black with grief? I'm trying to think what snow usually means. I've always thought it means beauty... and then for it to fall un-rehearsed from the ceiling and black with grief... it gives me the impression of dirty snow. which then if you are the snow you feel "dirty"?
i don't know. maybe i look into things way too much.
your blood thinning made me think that you were angry, but then i realized it has to be thin in order for you to be weightless and fly.
i dont know. this whole thing sounds sad and angry in some places, but it others it sounds kind of soothing... like you've reached a place of peace.
but then being invisible, i never know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
i liked it.
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Snow- it was meant to just symbolise that the whole process was unintentional....they never meant to drift apart. Snow is something natural, so perhaps nothing particuarly went wrong, and in convention with tragedy- at some point the course is inevitable: snow can only fall down... black-shame.
The 'proper blood' thinning- who i am. who she is. either. Your blood, it's your identity, what flows through you.....it's a release from something so tangible.
The invisibility goes right back to the beginning again, the vanishing point. It takes responsibility....
Hope that makes more sense..
It's about a release, to any reader, it would be about two people in a relationship. To me, it is about my father..
if you take the dismantling of bones literally.........
The place of invisibility- wel, to a child being invisible is the best way to hide..... It also signifies how high i have risen.. too small to see from the ground. But also how i am invisible to him- his daughter is no longer there.. just some girl. I doubt he ever really sees me. If he did maybe things would be different..
So yes, a range of emotions and interpretations...
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Wow. Amazing.
An excellent entry!
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there is some beautiful imagery here,
we are all a work in progress hun
you can soar like a bird
you are special, like this poem
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