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What to say?

What to say?
Staring at a blank page before me
ideas filled my restless brain.
One told of a tale of two lovers,
another dragged me down depression's lane.
But none of them seemed to fit my mood
of finding a light in the darkness,
which in reality is a hopeless en devour.

Lost in thought,
I rested the tip of my pen on the blank paper.
I looked around the Study for inspiration,
when suddenly,
my wrist stiffened
and abruptly started to move.

In fear I watched as my pen freely floated along,
Twirling and circling...
leaving an artistic trail of black ink everywhere it wandered.
I had no control over the perfect poem
that was being written before my very eyes.

The sound of the pen scratching the surface of the paper
broke the silence of the room.
My wrist continued its self propulsion late into the early morn.

A beam of sunlight strikes the paper
and the speed at which the words once appeared
slows steadily to a halt.
I lift the pen from the paper
to reveal my "perfect" poem...                         
to reveal a blank page.
What to say? 

Author notes

I wanted to try something I had never done before... this is what I come up with... I wanna know peoples opinions about it, so please comment!

A contest entry

Is this any good? Please be brutally honest!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Megan Awesome
    December 8, 2007

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    To be brutally honest I don't really like it. The whole idea is very cliche, and the poem is not very well written. On a scale from one to ten I'd give it a 4. Thank you for entering!!!
    Megan


  • Razor-Blade Romance
    November 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Nicely Written. Well Done


  • Avatar of Innocence
    November 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well, you asked for it, Brave Soul. The poem's subject is hackneyed. To elevate its status, try juxtaposing language to state that expressing a topic is not only difficult and exhausting, but interesting upon examination.

    Line 1 was initially provocative, because of its ambitguity, but the rest of the poem fell flat.

    Line 2 can be expressed differently: the subject is hackneyed and the whole line is in itself a cliche'-stop listening to Natasha Beddingfield.

    Line 3: How exactly did ideas fill your restless brain? Please describe.

    Line 7: Another cliche'. Why?

    Line 8: Cliche'.

    "before my very eyes": Really?

    beam of sunlight? = cliche'. Why not shaft of light? ribbon? slanted column? Angled?

    Nice ending though. Captured what you wanted to say effectively. However, I don't believe that what you wanted to say and how you wanted to say it was effective at affecting the audience at all.


  • Temprance
    November 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Nicely done.

    At the start i feared this would be anouther forced ryme poem and tho i began to loose intrest halfway thru the ending was a nice and unexpected twist.

    Im not sure what if anything at all I have taken from this poem but it was a decent read.


  • Cherokee
    November 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This didn't really work for me. I'm sorry. But if you had fun writing it, who cares what I think. Right? Thank you for sharing your thoughts.


  • Cylis
    November 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is without a doubt one of the best poems I have ever read, simply because it illustrates so well what so many of us go through every time we place the tip of a pen to a piece of paper. The form is interesting, and the flow is flawless.


    • Dazed N Life
      November 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you... I still think I write my best poetry when I haven't gotten any sleep... lol


  • Misunderstood-Teen
    November 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This poem is good, It's a unsual type of poem but it is good. You kept me fully attentive all the way through it, I didn't want to look away. Well done.


  • Summer Dawn
    September 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i think this is really good. yoiu keep the reader interrested all the way through, and i think it works really well for my contest.


  • Phiona
    September 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is really good. I love how you both started and ended the poem with 'What to say?'. It brings the whole poem together so well done. Congratulations on a great write and good luck.


  • jaffa-forbes
    August 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    really interesting, good flow. The last line's a killer. (not literally, i mean, you know, good in poetry terms...)

    good luck.

    jaff


  • Cannonsfire
    May 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Line 5 another other..doesn't make sense needs an edit, leave 'other' out of both lines it is unnecessary, the thought behind the poem is good but it needs some metaphor to lift it, instead of just telling us your arm is writing on its own, give it imagery to show us how it does it and even use the color of your skin, the flow of the ink, use subtle hints at what your head is saying you are writing, you can put that in italics to highlight it. It is a great idea and with some work can be very good. Love, C


  • blueyez
    May 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like it. A poem with a twist at the end of it is just as pleasing as a movie. All that and your page was blank. Until you penned this! Peace and Love


    • Dazed N Life
      November 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for your comments everyone... I really appriciate it!

1 - 18 of 18