The gilt Knight rode onto the field
His banners flying high
A rippling and gilded serpent
flying in the sky
His lance he held in his hand
Not quivering at all
The Knowledge of his victory sure
He would stand, not fall
Then spurring his horse he started
Charging his opponent bold
His horse's trappings flying high
His Serpent emblem shining gold
His horse's hooves beating
- Sounding like the thunder -
He charged across the bloody field
And rent his foes asunder
Again and again he made the charge,
His horse's raven flanks gleaming,
His lance held steady and proud,
His gilded banner high and streaming
And in the stands the ladies swooned
And waved their colours high
Praying for the desired chance
That they might catch his eye
Then came his last challenge
The silver knight to face
One last charge, one last run
One last determining race
Kneeing his steed he charged forth
Pose perfect, armor shining
His challenge made and met without fear
His strength not once declining
Across the fold he charged with might
Then met his enemy mid-pace
And oh the gasps of the crowd resounded
The gilt knight had lost his place
His fall was not the cause though
Of setting the crowds aback
Nor was it the like unseating of his foe
Nor the fierceness of his attack
Rather the cause of the uproar,
Which set the crowds awhirl,
Was the unmasking of the gilt knight
For he was not a man but a girl!
So ends another chaotic tourney
So concludes another fight
And as for the girl who took the fall?
Well lads, she scored her knight!
Analexii (Cassidy R. Scaglione)
Author notes
Initially written for a group challenge in the Silver Paladins.
A contest entry
- Raven Qualifier - Romance: Love, Fantasy and Passion by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended May 11, 117 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Hit me with your best shot! Yeah, hit me with your best shot! Fire AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is good. A very unexpected turn. Fun idea! The rhythm could be better here and there, but overall it's a really enjoyable piece.
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A story of knights, tournaments and all that they entail is a topic that pleases me a great deal, so this piece was just that for me, entertaining and pleasing. The little twist at the end lends an unexpected touch of humour to the poem, which is contrasted to the majority of conclusions found in most of these kinds of work.
The flow in most stanzas is good within themselves but when read as a whole, there is a variance which could be addressed with a little more thought, and possibly reading this poem out loud or even better, to have someone read it out loud to the author. Hearing how others read our poems affords an insight into better self improvement.
Rhyme is a favoured style of mine and I think it particularly suits this topic because it was much used in the era of knights for retelling tales, as many could not read or write. The rhyme in this poem is unforced and aids flow to each stanza. The one word I felt didn’t fit in is “undeclining” (I don’t think it’s a real word) and it could be replaced by something more appropriate and possibly with a more positive meaning rather than negative. “midpace” I think should be two words. While I’m on the subject of grammar I think in the penultimate stanza the author should consider changing “What set the crowds awhirl” and use the word “that” or “which” in place of “what” as it doesn’t sound right at all.
Imagery is an important factor in poems such as this and I found it to be more than plentiful in each stanza, which allowed me the pleasure of sitting at the arena side to witness the events unfolding before me, so I feel this poem has succeeded in that area.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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Thanks for your detailed review!
In concerns to your comments, I have noticed the variance in the piece, but as to its ammendment, I don't know how i could manage it without loosing the origional spirit in which the poem was origionally composed.
As to the grammatical errors, I have taken some of your suggestions and edited the piece *a little*. I did get rid of "undeclining" though just for the sake of vindicating myself for that spelling error, i feel i should point out that Shakespeare invented words too, and no one ever gave him a hard time for it. Anyways, its gone.
Again, thank you for your detailed comments and suggestions. -
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I view poetry as an art form and though there are certain rules on which art forms are based, it is the artist who determines the outcome of the final piece. Other readers or judges will view your poem in their own unique way and form a different opinion of it. As a judge for this contest I’m asked to look at all aspects of the poem, not simply whether it appeals to me or not, and to be unbiased in my opinions. The comments I leave are just that, my opinion and suggestions. Authors are free to take them up or ignore them, as they see fit and without prejudice in this contest.
A poem with perfect form but lacking real meaning is of little value to readers and as your piece has meaning then I would rather see it unaltered. There is also no need for vindication over using words that are invented because that is also allowed in poetry. However, I simply felt there was a more positive manner in which you could express that line. Having read the poem again today, I see you managed to do that very well, so I think the poem has gained from it. I think you must agree with this or you wouldn’t have even tried to change it.
The ‘great poets’ have taught us all many things but I think the greatest thing of all is to be individual and do what feels right for ourselves. Keep that in mind and keep writing.
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Wow.
This is awsome I loved this, i love how you managed to rhyme it without it sounds stupid. I really liked this, best of luck in the contest! Also can you post your posittion and Trudy-/ in your author comments thanks!
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This was amazing, and the surprise at the end made me smile. The flow was flawless and held my attention the whole way through. I don't really even want to point it out, because I don't want to spoil the praise, but I see just one spelling error: opponant should be opponent on line 10. But don't misunderstand, this is a great piece. Like I said, love the ending. Puts a whole new twist on:
"And in the stands the ladies swooned
And waved their colours high
Praying for the desired chance
That they might catch his eye"
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aw, thanks! I'm glad you liked it, and I don't mind you pointing out my spelling mistakes... i do make them every once and awhile and I like to correct them when I do... just be glad it has only one... for being freshly written thats an exceptional numb3r for me!
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