You rose up not too long ago
Like every now and then
Those white walls are returning now,
So here we go again
Your hostile slyness made her leave
You pulled her through that door
You used your poison cleverness
Just like you had before
You're underneath her skull
And I despise you more than then
You shut up for a little while
Now here you go again
Your hold has her locked up inside
A prison, so surreal
I beg you to return to me
The girl you always steal
You're a high-class cancer virus
Which is doomed to never heal
I have always wished to bury you
But you're not even real
Author notes
May 30, 2007.... My girlfriend got put in the pshycward again... Her illness keeps locking her up.... This poem is a letter written to the voice in her head.
' zombiefiedmonkeycheese'
option #4
A contest entry
- Anything You Want by crystallynnbradford.
300 points, ended June 4, 2007, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Night of Tears by Twilight4Eternity.
700 points, ended June 28, 2007, 25 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Needing Help by MercurialMist.
390 points, ended July 13, 2007, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best contest EVER! [i would like to think so anyway haha] by thearmsofsorrow.
475 points, ended August 1, 30 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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this...blew me away
amazing work
it was so honest. it wasnt very complicated, didnt use a lot of poetical devices etc. but its better that way. this comes straight from the heart and i am very impressed. she must be a lucky girl to have someone who doesnt leave her, even though the voice in her head just keeps having a go and the both of you. i could really feel it. some lines i didnt like so much e.g. You're underneath her skull, i think you could have chosen some better words. underneath her skin maybe?
i dunno
but thanks for the entry , i really like this
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Very deep and moving!
Wow this sure goes right in there deep, and you achieved your objective with this one I am sure.
Brilliant work and so captivating of the subject matter and reader too.
Brilliant descriptives and flow, and a fab read from start to finish, very compelling.
Love it, well done, hits the nail right on the head.
Poetic Hugs,
Kaz.
Kazytc xx
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Well done
This is well written and such a refreshing break from the free verse. Love your imagery.
You handle the subject very well. Having been in the mental health field for many years, I am familiar with the frustration and feelings of helplessness you feel about your loved ones illness.
Having someone like you to provide support and understanding is a big help to her -- more than you may realize.
Good luck to you and your friend.
CaliOkie
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Brilliant.
You are an amazing/great writer.. and it's good that you're sticking by her side through everything
It's truly saddening, and I could only hope they could find some way to help her....
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WOW...thats intense. Good job, nicely done
...I pray for your girl, there is freedom to be found for her. I promise.
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Oh wow, I'm so sorry my friend, I hope you feel better and that everything goes well with your lady love. I wish her well and full recovery. Hang in there babe, I know you can make it.
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I liked the raw honesty in this piece. I enjoyed the lines "You're a high-class cancer virus
Which is doomed to never heal" very clever words. Thanks for entering! -
Mental health issues aren’t the easiest thing to deal with or openly discuss because they are very complex and often very misunderstood by many people but I think the author of this poem describes the effect of it in terms that are easily understood. Though the poem doesn’t make it clear which mental illness is being talked about, I feel most of them have the same gripping effect. What I find interesting in this poem is how the author almost personalises the mental illness and this is demonstrated in various lines but the one that really shows it best to me is, “You pulled her through that door.” I could visualise this person being involuntarily forced into a place they didn’t want to be in.
The rhyme in this poem has been carried out well and though I often find the repetition of words like “you” and “your” at the start of lines to be a little tedious, in this poem I think they reinforce the feeling in the piece. It feels like the author is stood in front of the ‘mental illness” embodiment, casting accusation at the evil it has done.
Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.
Northern Raven
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With the exception of the 4th stanza, which I found to be somewhat cumbersome and out-of-place this piece fits perfectly with the author's notes. It is great that you have included them here because, after my first reading of this piece, I initially felt text was too basic to address the subject matter. However, after understanding where you are coming from, I can now say that I think that the simplistic vocabulary combined with the unobtrusive repetitive quality of the reoccurring (as described) meshes very well to form a image of an undeveloped (or underdeveloped, at the very least) intellect in need of help, assistance and (ultimately) salvation.
I also have to admit enjoying the juxtaposition you have created by entering this piece into a contest, the goal of which seeks to uncover genius. Your attempts to better understand the psychological challenges described herein reveal a very human characteristic in that they betray and encourage and understanding of our differences.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
Mental illness steals parts of a person. It can be treated and handled. It might not go away one can mange it. I like how you describe it in paragraph two.One can see the struggle your friend shares with you.Having a support system helps a person deal with it. It not always easy to see the ones a person cares about go though it. I like how you wrote about it openly. Sharing your thoughts and feelings.Some day they will find out it an illness something that effects the brain. They will find better ways to treat it.This is what I think. My feelings are it touches the heart strings. When it touches the human heart it get other to see what a person lives with. Thank you for your entry. Good luck on the contest.
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My heart goes out to you. This is a masterfully recorded tragedy. I don't know whether to applause you or cry with you... Blessings with your writing!
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you didn't read the rules, sorry I'm going to have to DQ.
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Beautiful! Good luck in the contest.
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This is intense and interesting. Not what I was expecting but it's very good. Thank you for the entry.
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I am sorry this keeps happening to your girlfriend, it must be really hard for both of you. I hope that soon these incidents will decrease and eventually end. I loved the last stanza this spoke the most to me. You wish to bury it and yet it's not real and it's like a virus it may not show always but it keeps popping up and no real vaccination. I love your emotions and hope love is strong enough with this! I wish you both the best and banish the voices (just like demons, for they are some ways one in the same... Unseen and disturbed).
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You're a high-class cancer virus
Which is doomed to never heal
I have always wished to bury you
But you're not even real
My favorite part, a powerful ending. Good luck and thanks for entering. -
that is fricken sad. i liked the poem. it was well written first of all. i know where your coming form. my older sister has bipolar and when she did something awful i told my mom and she was gone for 3 years. she got better but now she's off her meds again and not living with us because of it. this was sad and i want you to keep up hope. great write i can totally relate
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This poem is so great but so sad. You portray your emotions beautifully in this. It's amazing.
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awe...this is so sad...I'm really sorry about your girlfrind. I loved the poem though. It was filled with emotion, it's so sad that you have to go through all this torment and yet you pieced the poem together beautifully. I send my best wishes to you and your grilfriend and I hope that she gets better for both of you.
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