a naked leper
strutted across the lawn
giving a side glance
and wave
to the orthodontist across street
who recently installed
brand new shutters
this particular surgeon of the mouth
(hardly surprised but continually aware
of the leper's bare form)
smiled back with a wave
as the neighborly type with spotted dogs
and trim hedges should
but it was a smile
to showcase clean teeth
(and therefore a clean mouth)
rather than a smile (and wave)
that one might receive
if they too
kept the shutters shut
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Title: 10/10
Length suits piece: 14/15
Personal connection: 11/15
Rant content: 12/15
Poetic quality is maintained: 17/20
Spelling/ Grammar: 7/10
Creativity: 10/10
Effort: 5/5
86
Not bad, although I do feel like I'm missing something from the picture. I'd love for you to give me a more complete background for this poem, if you can. It really interests me. Tips are in my scoring. -
92
Interesting way that you have written this. At first, I was thinking 'where is this leading to?' and then in the last two parts it came together and made sense.
I like your ending, very thought provoking.
I like your title too, it grabbed my attention, and made me want to see what it was about.
I think this is your best one so far. Keep it up. -
Interesting and worth the risk...
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I loved the sarcastic tone in this poem and I giggled during the last stanza.
excellent writing
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I usually hate poems that are meant to be funny, but this has that wonderful sarcastic edge that I love so much.
It's just so fun to read and flows with perfect ease.
And I only have one minor critique. Maybe you might want to consider working on the spacing a little, especially in this stanza:
"this particular surgeon of the mouth
(hardly surprised but continually aware
of the leper's bare form)
smiled back
and waved
as the neighborly type
with spotted dogs
and trim hedges should"
Also, you might want to try and find a better way to fit the parantheses into the piece or you could get rid of them, cause I read the poem blind to their existence anyway.
I would keep them in the last stanza though and just fiddle with them a bit so they aren't crunched in with the rest of that segment. That's pretty much the extent of my criticism.
Outside of technical issues, I think this piece is awesome.
- James
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Thanks for the thorough read. This was a bit out of my comfort zone so I'll take the suggestions into account and do some fiddling over the next few days.
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You're welcome, it was a lovely read.
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