I am not a daydreamer.
I don't sit in class,
gazing blankly at the trees outside
as my eyes glaze over
and the corners of my mouth
twitch, to turn up
in a small smile.
I don't do that.
Which is why I was so confused
when I snapped to
in the middle of the ceremony
and realized I had been thinking
so deeply,
seeing so clearly the moment
we were to be alone together
that I had missed out
on the past 20 minutes.
You flood my mind.
Your face is always
behind my eyes.
Your voice whispers somewhere in my ears.
Your touch quivers along my skin.
I catch myself staring at nothing,
with only a lingering thought
of you
to explain where time has gone.
One day,
we'll sit in a booth
at a restaurant.
Face-to-face,
hand in hand,
we'll eat pancakes and salads,
bacon and hot browns,
talking about this and that.
One day, we'll run in a park.
Swing on a swingset.
Climb a tree
and find our inner children.
One day, you'll walk to me
in that way you do,
with that smile on your face
and mischievous twinkle in your eye.
Just as I've daydreamed,
just as they have before,
your lips will find mine.
It's only been a couple weeks,
but I've already perfected the art
of daydreaming about you.
Author notes
I am not happy with the ending. Any suggestions?
A contest entry
- You by dontopenyoureyes.
345 points, ended June 16, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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the beginning caught my eye. "I'm not a daydreamer." and then the perfect, precise description
"and the corners of my mouth
twitch, to turn up
in a small smile."
clever organization. after adamently declaring "i don't do that" we abruptly discover actually you are, how you reveal the uncharacteristic change... it's good.
the third stanza has some awesome lines
"Your touch quivers along my skin."
of pretty (if not always completely innovative)description, and i like the details in the next
"bacon and hot browns," yet somehow the whole "One day" and the omnipresent "will" of slightly syrupy romantic moments kind of sets me off. i feel somehow the setup in this stanza, i guess it is consistent with the stereotypical daydream, but somehow it made these things seem remote, puffed cotton candy fantasies, when they really aren't all that farfetched. i don't think i'm making any sense. sorry. it's hard to explain.
as for the ending, it's okay the way it is, but if you want to play around with it a little, one possibility would be to midway through the fourth daydream stanza, maybe after the "twinkle in your eye," bring back the first stanza about how you "Don't do that." and then maybe something like "I just [imagine/feel/your choice of verb phrase]/ your lips find mine/as they have before." just an idea. anyways, cool idea, and love the beginning and how you spun off it in this poem. -
great stuff, mate
No, I like the ending. It has a conclusion. The poem is very reflective and creates a loving image in a way that love poems do not often achieve. Well done.
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you should try to incorporate the fact you "don't do that" again at the end. Try to bring it all together. I enjoyed the poem though, it's not your best but it's a fine write. Very cute.
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i liked this, i often write about dreams, im such a daydreamer
i liked the way you formatted it, you line breaks and flow
i like the last line of the first stanza, very concrete
nice write and thanks for entering! -
Aww, that's cute. I like the ending, in a way, but I also see what you mean. I can tell what you're trying to say at least. I like this poem, it's good, and it's very honest. I can relate to it well. Good luck.
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