he had his reasons to break
in soul cold fever and morphine play
and all the world hated him in his own mind
so he hated the world in return
That night, the stars turned to dust in his eyes
and he stabbed her deep, leaving nothing but lies
but she held them close
thinking it was all she had in life
and the sun forgot to shine on her
so she hid herself away in corners
afraid to let anyone see her for who she really was
Oh, those broken hearts
mercilessly shattered on the spine of self-gratification
and so many of them cover themselves
in cages and sheets of ice
afraid to ever be held again
for fear of another earthquake
for fear of ripping fault lines wide
"My love, I've loved you more than you ever knew
and when all the world threw their stones
I caught as many as you would let me
but why, my love, did you turn your back and run?
I could have held you close through the raging seas”
But she hated to breathe the cold night air
Drowning her in reminders of her brokenness
So she carved herself a deeper, colder lair
And hid her heart and her love so deeply there
But He chased, gently, never relenting
Offering love and a thousand better worlds
And she was afraid to ever love again
so she hid behind her hurt
and He pressed on
burning away her doubts
teaching the broken to love again
and proving the lost could be found
That night, the stars turned to dust in her eyes
But He held her close, and loved her as she hated Him
And when every star had burned out
And every galaxy cut away
He held her closer and offered love
And took her hand again
“My love, I spoke worlds for you
And created you to love
If only you’ll take my hand again
I’ll make you more than enough”
Author notes
quick note that needs to be made clear; the "he" and "He" are two completely different beings
A contest entry
- Worthy? by shirk.
500 points, ended June 2, 2007, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems for my wall by Lauren Noir.
650 points, ended August 31, 2007, 83 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - show me your sensitiveness... by poetic-enigma21.
800 points, ended November 5, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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this was amazing
I loved the way it built up and went through it beautifully
I liked the narrative style, we got an over-weiw
but also the emotions, so it wasn't just a story, it was a feeling blended in with beautiful words
The poetic devices were genious, this could have been a cliche piece of nonsense, but it was unique, beautiful and just amazing
it was a story, there was a start middle and end
Which was very good
And every charachter was amazingly relateable, which everyone will love
well done, this is great
Good luck
and thanks for entering
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This is more of a nararitive than I like...I like this poem, but it just seems like you're teling me too much and not letting your imagry do what it can. I think that may be something to do with the phrasing though, which doesn't detract a lot from the poem.
I like the first stanza...But I think you might do better with :
"Reasons to break
In a soul cold-fever
And morphine play
All the world hated him,
In madness,
So he hated them in return"
But I still don't like personal pronouns being a dominant factor in poetry
This is beautifully penned though, thanks for the entry
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Haha, yea, narrative is a style that I use often, just a personal preference of mine...and, at least in this case, one of the only ways for the piece to work.
I appreciate your idea for the first stanza especially, however, changing it, especially adding the words "in madness" to replace "in his own mind" completely changes the meaning of the entire poem. I used the phrase "The world hated him in his own mind" because the character had convinced himself that the entire world hated him, when there is really no way to prove that statement true. It was in his own completely sane mind, not in madness, that he hated the world because he believed they hated him. And that is how it is with many people today, they see what they believe, and their feelings run wild because of it, hurting themselves and others.
That right there is one of the key points of this piece...though definitely not the highest or most foundational by any means
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What can I say just amazing.. do you know me? Sheesh these caught me off gaurd. It was like looking into a mirror.
But she hated to breathe the cold night air
Drowning her in reminders of her brokenness
So she carved herself a deeper, colder lair
And hid her heart and her love so deeply there
But He chased, gently, never relenting
Offering love and a thousand better worlds
And she was afraid to ever love again
so she hid behind her hurt
and He pressed on
burning away her doubts
teaching the broken to love again
and proving the lost could be found
Captivating this was. Beautifully written
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interesting that you would say that...this was written for/about/to a close friend of mine. At the time I really didn't know her all that well, and wrote this from what I saw in her from the few weeks we'd been hanging out, and she said the exact same thing about this poem somehow being about exactly who she was, hitting her right where she was at. I'm glad you liked it
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