Lemons
drew his mouth apart for me,
and he struggled against
the bitter taste of loss
with cheap words,
the kind small town girls
had to believe.
He never sounded angry,
just desparate,
like the already defeated tone
of slow acceptance.
I remembered the words
from a few months ago,
and a few months before that.
I remember the fresh squeezed-
young love refreshment,
I sipped
across from a one-way conversation;
"Did I do something wrong?"
Summers ago, it was touching,
almost romantic
in a puppy love cute
kind of way.
Something was lost in the translation
of too many months,
too many miles,
too many other distractions
with silky smooth legs,
and just one excuse
used too many times.
Now the half-hearted phrase,
the fruitless question
for the toy,
simply sounds juicy-
much more pathetic
and less deserving of compassion.
I watched and waited
for that silly question, poor guy;
and as lemons drew
his mouth apart for me,
I finished him,
with a bitter sweet kiss-
good bye.
©
Author notes
The answer of course is to walk away..
Asian Bliss- for lack of a better title.
-SW-
A contest entry
- You know who you are... by Nicole Hanna.
11000 points, ended June 8, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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hmm wow this was so amazing it really painted a picture in my mind so prominate and strong this was interesting unique and mind blowing very powerful and captivating great job
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Interesting piece to be certain, nice flow to it although I do suggest a brief review of grammar/spelling in a few places, but not a great detraction from this wonderful write. I also suggest maybe L10 removing the word like from the beginning, I think it has more of an impact without that, just a thought.
Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e 
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The third stanza was definitely my favorite. The young love refreshment line was beautiful and kept the sentiment of the piece flowing strong, especially since it appears right in the middle. The consistency from the beginning to the end is what I think I liked about this the most. I felt like I was experiencing something real here.
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Can I please step inside you mind for just a while, there are words, ideas, images etc, etc I want to steal .. I promise to leave some of the "good" stuff behind.
You had me hooked from the first couple of lines :
"Lemons
drew his mouth apart for me,"
What a gem.
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A little longer than a twenty four hour Asian Flu
But still a form of ague. I am glad to see you are through. 
May your clear eye for detail and phrase be free to celebrate in the near future. Love Tom B.
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Yes, this was very strong, very original and creative for a hollow-ridden subject.
I agree with Bob, in part. Not the longer or fewer lines, but that some lines can be edited to increase their emotional punch.
But other than that a real pleasure to read from the one word opening line to the ending with the sweetest revenge climax line of the month.
Oh, and ps: desperate I believe ;-)
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Could be smoother
With longer and fewer lines to get your message across,
he just might have listened.
It was cruel to feed him lemons, waiting for his pucker
so good-bye you could kiss him.
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If you have any specific lines you think need that kind of reformat, please let me know. I wanted to use longer lines in this, but I'm not use to that format and I wasn't sure how to go about it without boring my readers. I admit I could use some advice on this one. Thanks,
-S
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Amazing metaphor in this and the bittersweet regret is felt as you read, liked the style and the flow in it. Strong write of emotional power. Love, C
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Your third stanza is beautifully written in metaphors. As a matter of fact, the entire poem drips with the juices of a love gone sour. The ending line made me know I read into the poem what the poet was writing about. Very clever and indeed true poetry.
april nicole
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perfect, sugar.
I loved this.
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Thank you darling. <3
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