I can't tell if this sympathy is real.
The sincerity's so plastic,
you're losing your appeal.
You've screened me in, I can't sneak out.
This was part of your plan,
I have no doubt.
Do you think I'm really that wild?
No one else thinks so.
But they don't know either, I'm no longer a child.
Being the baby is so not my style,
I'd rather be gone,
But for more than a while.
And if you want to win this silly debating,
you'll have to be quicker,
my ride's outside waiting...
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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An excellent write with some intense emotion behind it, I know your page is full of comments
But this truly is a wonderful piece!!
I hope everything works out for you
love and peace
halleluja
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I think stanza breaks would help the flow of this just a little, after every third verse, with the rhyming phrases on the outside. You definetally have an interesting way of looking at this sort of thing, and the resolution is something a little out of the ordinary, which is good. Way to be unique.
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this is awesome. i can really really relate to this..dads suck. they just wanna keep holding you down so you cant live. i feel ur hate of being treated like ur a little child. im currently agrivated myself..i wrote a poem about my dad as well. its called monster child.
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Very Good !
You hit the nail on the head with this one my friend.
Keep up the great work.
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Nicely penned. I can feel your frustration in this. The only suggestion I would make is to break it into stanzas, with the breaks after each fourth line.
"I can't tell
if this sympathy is real.
The sincerity's so plastic,
you're losing your appeal.
You've screened me in,
I can't sneak out.
This was part of your plan,
I have no doubt.
Do you think I'm really that wild?
No one else thinks so.
But they don't know either, I'm no longer a child.
Being the baby
is so not my style,
I'd rather be gone,
But for more than a while.
And if you want to win
this silly debating,
you'll have to be quicker,
my ride's outside waiting..."
In this form, you can see that the third stanza is off the form of the rest of the poem. This can work to your advantage by setting the lines apart, like this.
Overall, this is a very enjoyable read.
Thank you for sharing.
rous -
huh I like it, I think the point is clear, ur dad must just worry bout you cause ur a teenager as we once all were, plus ur a girl I can only imagine his worries wild or not lol. Great write keep up the good work
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So this is one of those "I'm leaving home" works.
Outside of the topic, which I have no control of, one thing I would notice here is the lack of multiple strophes. Of course, this is not required, but it might be nice if each idea within this work is separated into proper strophes.
One way to cut this would be to take lines 1-3 into a verse of its own. Likewise, separating verses 4-6 as a strophe in its own right. I guess you can pretty much work out the pattern for the rest.
What I am trying to point out here is that spacing might be appropriate for this work, as each line, could be given more attention. Otherwise, it seems to me that the piece is just rambling on without some of the special lines standing out.
I think it could be better to emphasize the strong emotional points like "Do you think I'm really that wild? / No one else thinks so." By giving those lines their own space which will attract attention. This could be done simply by breaking each of the works into proper strophes.
In the end, I must remind you that what I have just written is not a "must do" but a mere suggestion from a fellow writer. Personally I think that a lot of works, given more love and more time would grow into poems with good identities.
Thanks for sharing! And I just noticed that you posted this one twice on the shameless promotions. Too bad for those points. But hey, you got at least one read now.
Keep writing!
- Nick (",)
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