silently, you sit and ponder
on your life existence -
criticizing your every move.
blankly, you stare at the floor
deciding whether to live or die -
you don't know what to choose.
dramatically, the words echo inside
the mind of your fragile soul -
killing off this innocent that's left.
secretly, the grasp of those fingers
gently twitch on the trigger -
leaving only a hole in the head.
hauntingly, your last memories
heal your enemies -
destroying your friends.
rapidly, your face passes through
the sight of the living eye -
wishing your life never had this end.
hopefully, you are where
your innocence is safe -
in a locked case without the keys.
boldly, we strive on
having you only in our thoughts -
living on with your happy memories.
Author notes
..::A write for Stacey M. Lewis, Jr. suppose to graduate with his class 2007 Friday, May 25th. with love and care... we miss you!::..
(( Option Number One ))
+Kinda a "slant rhyme". I think thats the word...+
‡OPTION NUMBER TWO : Suicide - FOR CONTEST Depressing...with options‡
♠OPTION NUMBER TWO : Suicide - FOR CONTEST Make Me Understand♠
A contest entry
- Losing Someone You Love by Suberu14.
450 points, ended June 16, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
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450 points, ended June 17, 2007, 30 entries
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Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me understand by Misfitdepressive.
900 points, ended November 17, 2007, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pain You Can't Explain And More by BlackBloodyRose.
499 points, ended May 22, 2008, 46 entries
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
tell me if its okay
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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This is a beautiful poem; well written and heartbreaking. Thankyou so much for entering, and I wish you the best of luck
Maria
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thank u for your comment. hope u receive what ur looking for
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Omgosh, this poem was ahmazing, it was creative and just left me lost in words. thanks for entering my contest
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sorry, didnt mean to leave you speechless. >.<
you're welcome, it was nice to enter
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This is incredible. I love how you start each stanza with an adverb. I like all of this but I especially liked lines 13,14 and 15. Those lines were powerful. So sorry for your loss. Amazing job!
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of course its okay.!
i really liked it a lot... well wrote... good luck... I could relate to some ot it.
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stunned
this is amazing. I SIMPLY LOVED the imagery and it really captured the emotions i have felt so many times.. and for so long. To be totally honest i am in awe. Thank you for entering such an amazing piece. wow -
Great job hun, thanks for entering my contest and good luck!!! This is a great write keep up the great work!!!
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silently, you sit and ponder
on your life existence -
criticizing your every move.
*looks around*
okay where have you been hiding that you know this of me?
Riftkin
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..::Looks Around Nervously::..
I-I-Im soo sorry. Im the creature below your bed that keeps you up at night...
but I have to get paid somehow..
glad to know you enjoyed the piece!!
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An amazing job, by far. I like that this piece has sort of a slant rhyme to it. It flows nicely and holds great meaning. The essence of something so horrible has been captured in a beautiful way and I like that.
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wow i could never imagine... amazing poem,
I love it!
i really can't figure out the rhyme shceme but it flows really well and i know the rhyme is there... i just cat figure out where lol ( there needs to be the option number and seven stars in your authors box please ) -
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I have made the changes.
I used sorta a slant rhyme on the end of each stanza.
its okay... a lot of others havent seen it either. lol!
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WOW!!
I like it all, your use if words, the flow to it, & the meaning as well...Brilliant
Thnx alot for entering & Best of Luck
GloriousGift
Heba -
often i find the easiest way to pick a title is to pick your favorite line out of the poem and make it the title. with this poem i really like "heal your enemies", so had i written this i would title it "Heal Your Enemies" or "Enemy Healing" or something like that. good poem, too!
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a good write...
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This being the first round, I'm not being too picky about spelling or grammar, but I'd like to see efforts to improve in the next rounds. It's nothing major, just something that's a good habit to get into. I like the idea of this secret battle with oneself, and the use of descriptive adverbs at the start of each verse. Curious what the "sight of the living eye" is. And as for the rhymes you have used, not that I'm against them, but I like to see more "perfect" rhymes, not just where the words have the same sound (can't remember all the terms right now). Like head-left and choose-move. If you could get a specific rhythm to your poems (iambic, trochaic, dactylic etc) and end the verses with perfect rhymes (head-dead, choose-bruise), that would greatly increase how easily it is read, and how nicely it flows. I look forward to seeing more poems of the same theme, I hope you can get them! And for a title... a suggestion would b
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I understand with the rhyming and all, Im just not much on the "writing in rhyme" thing. Im more freeverse. but I thought that this was my best one recently, so I thought you might enjoy it some. I didn't really see much grammatical errors, but that's just me. this might sound like I'm stupid, but I don't really know much about Iambic and such. though I am a writer - I still don't know much.
thanks for your suggestions - it cut off on what you thought the title might be.
Have A Nice Day and Have Fun Judging!!
~bye~ -
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Learning different styles of poetry is always worth it. Maybe you can teach me some free verse after this contest is done?
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maybe - if Im able to.
Im not really good at teaching people things... hehe
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ok, I can't find your username in here, so please add it in the authors box if you wish me to read it.
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I'm so sorry, I didn't see exactly that. Please forgive me?
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it's okay. you're forgiven.
so is my write okay??
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I did. my username IS Killed by this Love. and it's on there...
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i......should'nt have read....this.....no i know what you were talking about in the message about makin me cry. wow........ya know i never thought he had anyone who didnt like him.Austin didn't like him much b/c luaren and her slutty bitchy ways flirted with him while dating austin. Stacey was so great of a person. he was gonna be....such a great asset to the world. His friends do miss him terribly, but i dont think he ever had any real enemies. *sigh* well, i...dont really know of a better title, nor do i wanna think about it.
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OMG... Girl this is like really really sad... I'm so sorry that this happened to you! Hon... I'm here for you cause you've been through a lot! Rock on! oxox Meg
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Transcend All
The title to me was your first instinct, one you should keep. It's speaking for a subject that keeps on living in the memories and lives of those left behind - forever - Never-ending. The flow was Groovy, thank-you for sharing a part of yourself.
Namaste'
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I really like this one...I loved how you wrote a word and then described as to why it was just so...It flowed well and kept my attention until the end. I can already tell this contest is going to be hard to judge, but I think i'll add you to the finalists. (I tend to do that as I go)
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