You run shivers down my universe.
Faintest glow of distant constellations
shimmer at your touch:
Glimmers of who we were
flow through in search
of who we are -
bound and silent.
I went
soundless into that shiver
and never saw those meteors,
not for a moment
until they disappeared into black holes;
each the size of real loss
where nothing can live -
not even glimmers of who we were.
Saw the moon once
incandescent to the point of pain;
I was hungover at the time to the point of vomiting.
It had a blinding radiant beauty
much like yourself.
A dead rock bathed in light.
Quite frankly life has never been the same
since they gave Pluto the bum's rush.
A contest entry
- Free Verse Frenzy (Prewites Only) by poetryality.
925 points, ended November 3, 2008, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I love the sensual use of metaphors here DP! I totaly understand. As a matter of fact, I overstand!
We say "bum rush" in Cleveland too. Especially our motorcycle clubers.
Thanks for sharing this with us by entering it into my challenge. I always enjoy your words dear friend.
Much Love & Respect Always &heartys;
Renee
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i enjoyed this
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Might want to change the word "meteorites" to "meteors" as meteorites are what's left after they hit Earth and it doesn't fit the actions of the poem. Now that I'm done bitching, let's take a look at this puppy...
Cleverly disjointed to the point of being almost Zen.
"...until they disappeared into black holes-
each the size of real loss
where nothing can live;
not even glimmers of who we were..."
That's a bad place. A place of festering grandiosity and unabashed conceit. If you are there, you have certainly earned it.
As Socrates so eloquently said; "Everything is always in a state of becoming." The moon is part of life just by the nature of becoming perceived.
Pluto got a fucking raw deal. Don't get me started...
Three astronaut bunnies for this.
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...way, away out there, where the gravity takes days to travel to...
It's a game that can mess with our imagination isn't it?
Never mind the speed of light, never mind the maximum velocity at which any event may be propagated-
Never mind that the physics is impossible, nonetheless we can imagine Pluto out there, ice rock-hard, this very instant. -
Amazing
AAA dead rock bathed in light,very interesting proverb kind of like a chameleon shedding its skin for the next win!!!!! Neva are you to old to lift those rocks, -
still not there
Switching between point of views is very ineffective unless there is a line or a stanza separating it. I also believe that you used incandescent to make yourself sound smart as it doesnt quite fit as well as it should. What I would like to see is better use of tropes, more diction, more euphony, more imagery, and less blatancy. I have my own imagination, let me use it!
I would love to see your revisions! -
Sounds like Tektite to me.
Excellent show of metaphors and loved the way you related them to someone's existence. Definitely a different style and need I say anymore but...
applause or is it bunnies now?
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I like it and I think I'm an ending kind of person cause I love your last two lines. It's very good and flows really well. Your poem keeps the reader in, at least it kept me in. Great!
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Outstanding!
It had a blinding radiant beauty
much like yourself.
I really like those lines...it's very smooth.
This poem is extremely well written and easy to imagine. This poem really paints a nice picture. Excellent work. -
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You're writing is very strange. But I like it. You change the way that you write all the time and so I never know what it will be. I don't know if this is supposed to be about someone you loved or if it's someone that you knew. I picked up a feeling of how this person had made a great impact on your life but didn't seem to have any great benefit on their own. If that makes any since. I liked your line about Pluto. I was really sad about them removing that from our solar system as a planet.
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hangover/hungover?
incandescent to the point of pain... yep, I like that alot. a whole lot. or perhaps here it should be 'a hole lot'.
I love this for the mulling it generates. So grateful for a poem that finally does that.
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Do you call it a Bum's rush down under? Weird, we call it a bum rush in cali. That's a great way to end it though, made me laugh.
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I'd use something besides de-listed...
Something like wiped out, or killed, or hid...
That would really pop the bottom out of this bad boy.
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Actually I don't know whether to 'grin like a tree frog having its toes tickled' at this universal but seldom expressed thought,
*I was hangover at the time to the point of vomiting.
It had a strange radiant beauty
much like yourself.*
or too weep from the frustration that the contemplation of black holes that swallow and suck everything in brings- not knowing if you want it to or not, so bashing brains out on the Dead Rock Bathed in Light becomes something of a viable option.
That doesn't make sense does it. Oh well. Have clap will share.
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nice piece of prose David..
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better read those rules again, think you missed something... nice poem though...
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