Love now feels like falling rain,
hitting hard the window-pain!
leaving lonely tears that stain
washing slwly down the drain.
I do not want to catch the raining coins you pay me for my silence.
And things you promised in the past,
that future crumbled in it's cast;
the flame that burned was fading fast,
trapped inside the world so vast.
We will sink under the weight of false love.
In the dream I had last night,
you left, leaving bedsheets white
and I erased the awful sight,
with candles making evening bright.
I cannot teach you how to charm me you should know how...
And then one night I crept away,
he found me gone without delay,
you blame your fists were led astray,
I'm not your pet - I wont obey.
Author notes
no need for notes you can guess what it means.
1. I want to see beauty in pain. Write me something deep, personal, and moving. I want imagery and feeling.
This is about when my dad hit me at 11 and the beauty of the pain was i managed to stand up to him and fight back and now i have had 7 blissful years without him. traitor!
A contest entry
- Raven Qualifier - Dark: Anger, Angst and Goth by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 124 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The beauty of pain. by Jai Guru Deva.
700 points, ended August 6, 2007, 81 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
We will sink under the weight of false love
That's pure poetry right there. Beautiful poem. I love it. This is what I wanted for that option. A horrible event, not only described in beautiful imagery, but also overcome. You paint a picture of triumph but it came with years (i'm guessing) of suffering. Good job -
yeah despite the nice rhymes at the end it still feels heavy... hope you know what to do or have already acted on it! tc
-
Awesome! it is a beutiful poem that you have turned in for the contest. The pain and horror are much evident and run through the whole poem.
The rhythm and power are also very well sprinkled throughout the write.
Best part is that you have stuck to the theme and have maintained a rhyme scheme which is difficult to do in poems of this genre.
My favorite part:
"A very good effort.
The nightmares surrounded her
Bearing her down
There was no escape
It was sucking her will
The pain inside
Continued to drill
Hollowing her out
It continued to grow
Til the light went out
And her will to live slowed"
Thanks for entering the Raven Qualifier and Good Luck! -
Wow really good. Powerful. I can't pick out a favorite line because a lot of them were really good. I like how you started comparing love to rain. Very interesting and different metaphor. Creative! I like it! Thanks for sharing with the group.
-
Awesome
Awesome poem. I love the rhyme. I loved the line:
I'm not your pet - I wont obey.
beautiful poem. Very well written. -
wow...i really like this poem...it is really good...i love it...in the3 first stanza in line 4 it says "was washed aquikly" is it supposed to be "was washed a quickly" ?
-
Wow...I don't know what this is about, but I'm getting the feeling that something is or was terribly wrong. I'm sorry I can't be more insightful but the weight on my heart right now is crushing me....
Keep writing....You are very good at it...
On a side note: Spell Check...That's all I'll say...
-
This is a fine piece of expressive poetry, I particularly liked this line:
"I dont want to catch the raining coins you pay for my silence."
There are a few typos in this and grammatical and punctuation errors, but it can be fixed with an edit. IM me if you want me to edit it, it'd be a really great write if tidied up a little
Thanks for sharing. La x 
-
-
wow thankyou and if you could help me with my errors i'd be forever greatful and thankyou for the comment.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
