If happiness was a lifetime
and grievance not a breath,
would rainbows still be
rare and beautiful?
If time had slim reason
and cycles tuned to lines,
could limbs still stretch out
in comfort?
And if passion was everlasting
and security in the genes,
would a bouquet still be
a generous surprise?
Still, summers will turn to autumn
as sentiments begin to change
and as our moments
become memories,
I want you to know,
I’ll miss you.
Author notes
This poem is personal to me, and is directed at my ex fiance (he ended the relationship.)
Is the ending any better? I've tried editing it.
Thanks for reading, any comments and suggestions are appreciated.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Missing someone is the worst part of breaking up with them or moving away or having nothing else to do with them. It makes things so different and yet ... still so much the same. Very Poignant and it had a lot of meaning in it for me. Well Written.
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Personally, I don't think the title is cliche, but that's me. How about 'moments become memories'? I like the story of the poem and how you have raised gentle questions that, really, can't be answered. Just like the ending of a relationship can't be understood.
It almost seems that this stanza needs a bit more:
"and as our moments
become memories,"
Maybe a metaphor for your relationship of some kind. Something that sums it up.
I think it's a well written piece without any changes. It's hard to be original when writing about this subject.
Peace to you~
~Corvidae
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It's quite abstract, but very beautiful. I like the questioning device. It reminds me of something Elizabethan or Medieval sort of. I like it very much
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Hmmm. Maybe your title could be "It all leads back to you" or "Moments that slip into you" or "Still." I don't know, just change "I'll miss you," because the beginning of the poem is very good and beautifully thought out, and it shouldn't be set off by like you said, a cliche title. Very, very good, the new new ending I think is fine, and I hope your heart mends. Please comment on my poem too, and thanks.
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"still summers will turn to autumn
as sentiments begin to change"
this poem really hits home -
I really liked the whole poem except for the ending. The ending was too... straightforward? I don't know what... but like everything else in the poem was kind of a metaphor, and the end was just like okay well here it is. Maybe try to think of another way to say the same thing. I really enjoyed the rest of the poem though, it was fantastic! Really nice write, and I'm so sorry for your pain.
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I know the ending is rubbish, that's why I've said it in my authors comments lol I've tried to alter it slightly. I want to end it with "I'll miss you" although I can't seem to get that simple message to fit in with the rest of the poem.
Thanks for the comment. I'm not in pain though, just free. That's what the poems about, everything/ everyone has to move on...
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The ending needed some work it was like you ended it too soon.....
Great poem though....
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Yeah, that's what I said in my authors notes!! So do you have any ideas on how I should expend it?
It's kind of like the relationship - ending too soon.
I don't want to expand too much though, I HATE poems that plow on over 30 lines!!
Thanks for commenting.
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