on Park Place,
Coke ads talk to the dormant alleyways
and those words of the forties
swing around one plug-pierced ear
and perch themselves on the lazy
unreceptive
other.
a block away,
Mother Teresa tells us
children are like flowers, and vice-versa
when every couple seconds
we sprinkle their stems over spaghetti
and pin their petals in our hair
giving their roots the old heave-ho
so we can park our cars and fornicate
our baseball team wasn't worth
the taxes that produced it,
sure as heck not worth the catsup stains
on their sleeves, nor the crack back home
and the only way they scored
was with the ladies working the Ferris wheel
[& they went over the fence in a hurry.]
and so
right now, there's a kid on the sidelines
the truth playing a twisted hardball
under his feet
dragging his Radio Flyer across the grass -
and he'll do so - until it spins out of control
and lands among the flowers.
.
.
.
Author notes
Written for Teen Idol 5. The second round challenge was to bash something. And I chose to bash the town in which I used to live, a town where you never knew anything except what you were taught in school and that fishy scent coming from City Hall.
It was a good place to live...for the first five minutes since its founding. Now it's practically in shambles. It has earned the name "Little Baghdad" for the amount of debris floating around, and how it's constantly masked by the promise of renewal. That promise was a broken one ever since it was made.
We moved to a city about 20 minutes north three years ago. I still think it was the best thing that ever happened to me, even though I have to travel through that town every day. I'm glad that I don't have to go to sleep with a bad taste in my mouth, at least.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Title: 10/10
Length suits piece: 13/15
Personal connection: 12/15
Rant content: 12/15
Poetic quality is maintained: 14/20
Spelling/ Grammar: 7/10
Creativity: 9/10
Effort: 5/5
82
Okay, so the grammar points are obvious. Others are due to the... vague nature of what you wrote here. I liked what you were saying, I just wasn't as fond of the way you said it. Your words could have used a bit more... something. Something to make YOUR rant stand out from the other mediocre ones that people have come up with. Overall, not terrible. -
91
Very interesting, this had my attention the whole way through. This sounded bitter, and I thought you came out strong.
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