A dream of darkness came to me,
while I at sunset stayed.
Then paranoid I looked inside,
where all the questions in surprise -
were made ..
And all looked back at me.
A dream of darkness and a thought,
that so unique in pain was sought,
has driven me to here ..
where all that I acquire of fear -
empowers sin,
and I again ..
Fall back to that accustomed place,
where all the fantasies of grace -
lie taken from this lights and scars ..
From people's riches, clothes, and cars.
A dream of darkness from the past,
whose innocence could never last ..
Is burried in my eyes.
And in the ashes you would see,
a little place for you and me,
through lenses long decayed,
but I at sunset ever stayed
To pace my destiny.
Author notes
Darkness is my element,
sorry for breaking the rules.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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The fear of the darkness and in the darkness seems contrasted to me against the darkness in oneself. The questions posed...seems accusatory, "and all looked back at me"
The thought, the pain of a unique individual, I relate to far more then if it were expressed otherwise.
As, the next lines for me touches on the unanswered questions and the acquisition of fear. The accustomed place for me equates to contempt for oneself or others, imposed perhaps and hidden. From the past, loss of innocence that can never last buried in your eyes. So powerful as are the powers of the system of denial.
The ending the lines that speak of a rigid lens that has decayed...makes me think of the effects of darkness in the sense of ones realization of evil, in the world and in ourselves. The "choice" the "will" and our destiny.
I love your form, your style and your thoughts.
Although we all have our own interpretation...I feel this poem speaks resoundingly of the nature of man and the propensity within ourselves to do evil or choose to follow the grace of our own choices.
These are my thoughts and I hope it is okay to write them out here as I have.
I may very well prove myself to be a fool by opening my mouth.
Astounding thoughts provoked in this reader none-the-less.
I enjoyed reading it very much, very much indeed.
Annett
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Dear Friend
You have astoundingly and gracefuly renderd me speechless,
If such an impact were to be found within these lines, then it is me who is honored to have found someone with such a deep insight as you.
So please, speak yourself out loud, I am in debt of your warm and worthy critique.
Thank you dear kind poet.
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like it.. you have much talent man! very good. liked the end!!
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kudos....and rules are meant to be broken...within reason.good luck
hidden
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Dearest Brother,
I love the ending, and you're a poet; you HAVE to break the rules!!
Your poetry has changed and matured, yet still holds it's wisdom and beauty. I can only hope my poetry can become as well-written as yours is.
I've missed your poetry, and your comments. How've you been?
- Ruby
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I've been meaning to check this one out, my raven friend. ITs beautiful. absolutely magnificent!
(I almost started going off in the little french I know, haha)
I like the rhyme, and the forms you used. And I can tell you one thing, Darkness is an element, in my mind. Just because its not fire, water, earth, nor air, does not mean that it is not an element. Fire creates light, and Darkness is the opposite of light, and therefore deserves equal recognition in the elements.
I read too much, .
absolutely wonderful...
~VoT
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Lol..
Thank you for your adorable approval, I know that Darkness is an element, and one element I can very much relate to.
I'll check on your work soon.,
Thanks again.
Be well,
RD.
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i like it. its "buried", by the way. way to go!
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Thanks again.
Lol, thank you.
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Interesting poem but i found the rhyme distracting.
Also, more images would help. Other than that the flow of the poem is great and how does it make me feel? My favorite line is in your comments--darkness is my element. I feel a little sad after reading your poem. So great on the emotional aspect.
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Thank you
The rhyming was a trial to find a new style, but I guess that when many people agree on one thing, then I should check it out sometime.
Thanks again, I am glad you liked it, and I am even more glad that you felt it.
Be well,
RD.
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it rocks!
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Nice form
Interesting use and adaptation of forms.
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An interesting piece. It has a good emotional contest. Sorry it doesn't fit the contest. But it is a good piece
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Thank you
Though it was an element eitherway
Be well poet.
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You misspelled aquire, should be "acquire." This isn't a poem I like, mostly because I don't understand it. "Some are born alone?" Since to be born we need a mother, how can this be? I guess I'm too literal for this poem.
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Good sir
I welcome your critique nonetheless
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I felt the rhyme was extremely forced. Forced rhyme is when the poem suffers for the sake of the rhyme. Often, the word order is distorted to make a rhyme work. For example-
while I at sunset stayed.
that so unique in pain was sought,
Another common problem is the use of unnatural word-choices for the sake of rhyme. For example-
But I am solid in my cone,
When a poem uses a lot of forced rhyme, the result is very awkward and distracts the reader from the content of the poem.
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That is too bad
thank you for an honest opinion
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This is deffinatly an interesting piece. I'm not sure if the contest specified rhyme but your rhyme sounds slightly forced or awkward. The phrasing could use some work but the images and the feelings come through very well. I'm sure the phrasing is the way it is because of the rhyming.
I don't mean to say that rhyming is bad either, by any means. But unless you have too it can be a deffinate hinderance. As I said, however, the emotions are pure and beautiful. Over all I love the poem though it is slightly hard to read. -
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Thank you
I'll try to work on those hinderances, seems like my rhyming isn't appealing to many
thank you for an honest critique
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perfectly penned
i guess you and i have the same thoughts.. when reading this i felt something is describing me: i know that life is always life, i know that poeple aren't the same.... till the end...
it seems so great. it is all good! Rami i hope that your dreams will be painted with pink.much blessing ya Akhi Al Aziz! bye
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Flattered
Much love and respect
thank you for enjoying it
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I really liked this. It flows effortlessly!
I think I will bookmark this one so that I can read it again whenever I like.
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Must be my lucky day.
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