I dreamed, last night,
About a young girl,
On a scary flight,
Through the sunrise.
She flew through the mountains,
And below her, she saw,
A mountain dew fountain,
Then she broke the law.
She jumped off that plane,
Into the fountain,
The fountain in Maine,
On that mountain.
It was eight, that it was,
On that old, scary flight,
She drank and drank,
Till it wasn't even night.
Now that girl is me,
And I wish it were a dream,
But as you can see,
I'm as fat as can be.
Author notes
I like the third stanza...It reminds me of Dr. Seuss, or however you spell it. I'm eleven. And I'm NOT as fat as can be. I'm as thin as can be! Not really, but I think I'm average. Anyway, I changed the rhyming pattern in stanzas 3, 4, and 5, but I think it's okay. The point of this is to show you that Mountain Dew has a TON of sugar, so be careful about how much you drink!
A contest entry
- Ages 13 and Under Only ~ Pick a Title and Roll With it 2 by Amunet Wolfbane.
450 points, ended June 14, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
Such creative fantasy! Here I am imagining a little girl jumping off a plane into a fountain!! But in the end it becomes much deeper than that, I even had to read it twice to get it properly! Possibly dreamed could be dreamt?
Astonishing write!
You made something simple into this beauty!
Maria
-
I really like that poam really good im 10 from GB
-
LOL
Yes mountain dew has a ton of sugar but it also has a lot of caffine as well. Two things we should all stay away from having too much of but I just love my Dew
Nice Job!
Blessings
celticmoon
-
hahahahah
so nice!~
when you said "then i broke the law" i was like OMG~ she's gonna high jak the plain and enjoy the sceenary to your hearts content...
then it was like "fewf... you just jumped... YOU JUMPED??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????"
hahahah do be careful of how much you drink.
being 12, i should know what being sugar high is~
good luck
-
The idea wasn't too bad, but I had to read it twice to figure out what you were talking about. How is she breaking the law? What made her jump off the plane? Also, sticking with a specific rhyme pattern can REALLY help the flow of a poem. If you start with a pattern, finish with it. Either that or be consistent in your rotation of patterns.
You've got a lot of potential. I hope you keep writing! -
ok, i will be considerate cause ur 11 and all. it does not flow. and maybe when u get older and write more, it will make sense to u when sumthing doesnt flow nicely.
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
