No Escape

I remember the suffering
as I reached for the bottle of pills
beside me on the floor
I remember feeling nothing
so cold, numb to the stimulus
of the outside world

I remember seeing my future
in the bottom of the bottle
when the last shot was poured out
nightmares and fantasies created in the haze
of a 90 proof waking coma

I remember so many nights
where I wrapped myself in a cocoon
of self-destruction, forcing myself to forget
to give up, to walk away and vanish
but something held on and was not letting go

They say suicide is the unforgivable sin
they say you play the role of God
when you decide what's best for yourself
but how do you play the part
of something for which you have no frame of reference

My god was in that vial of Vicodin
my savior waited patiently
down at the bottom
of that bottle of Jameson
Together the two of them promised
to take me to the Holy land
to ease the ache and sting
of every wound and memory

I remember my eyes rolling back to look
into the recesses of my mind
trying to see which path my existence had taken
to lead me to this point of now,
lying in the middle of my bathroom floor
floating somewhere between consciousness and crossing

I remember seeing the bright white lights
my first thought being "Fuck, isn't this cliched"
Until I heard the beeping of an EKG,
started gagging from the tube that ran from throat to stomach
tasted the activated charcoal lingering in my mouth.

I remember all of this
The anger, the hatred, the pain
And I remembered thinking this:

God doesn't want me and Hell is a lie
Either that, or I've already been living there
all of my life