Strangled indigo hues,
Those frosted intentions of youth,
Hazed of misdirection,
Ever blinding us from truth.
We live to live in parody,
Tunneled beneath the mainstream,
Far from the petals of innocence,
Coasting on imaginations' slipstream.
Our electric laughter is heard,
Within binary dependence,
A serfdom of the computer age,
So far from freedom's ascendance.
We would hope to fair better,
Though our choicest years fade,
Swallowed in empty vows,
Ending in a monologue of sand betrayed.
Author notes
Option 5
Phrases used:
frosted intentions
petals of innocence
live to live
electric laughter
tunneled beneath the mainstream
strangled indigo
a monologue of sand
swallowed in empty vows
A contest entry
- Battle Of The Muse. Fighting With Ink: {ROUND ONE} by PerfectImperfection.
900 points, ended June 20, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is a great poem, and I feel you used the phrases very well and added many of your own lovely images - "Coasting on imaginations' slipstream."
I think the commas at the end of every line were rather unnecessary - it even hindered the flow a tad.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
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Judged
Use of English: 0
No. No. No. Do not put commas at the end if there is no reason for the comma. It drives me insane. One grammar error at the end botehred me a lot.
Poetic Devices: 8
You did reasonably well here, although I got confused somewhat towards the end. I like the meaningfulness of the title, I truly do.
Organization: 10
You shine here. I have a personal liking for quatrain organization; it seems so clean and crisp and easy to read!
Originality: 7
Must be honest, I have seen this done. but it was done well here, so I will not penalize you too badly.
TOTAL score: 25
Final comments: It just didn't click with me, and that matter a lot in poetry. You need to find that edge and put it in here.
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Great rhyme and flow! I am a skeptical when it comes to the rhythm some people exude, though I admit I was happily surprised here. Nice use of the phrase bank - nicely woven to create a seamless result. Thank you so much for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!
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Excellent Piece
This is an excellent piece of writing. I loved the words you used in this. You did a great job putting the phrases into this piece. Good luck with this in the current contest you have it in.
Keep writing and I will keep reading.
Countrybabe
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You really show such awesome imagery and exceptional writing....always a pleasure reading you, my poetic champion...smiles, Terry
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ohh this is wonderful i totally love it fantastic imagery well done love xxx
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Brillant imagery. I liked this. Somewhat very unnatural and a little confusing but in a good way. I found it had a nice flow with an awesome picture painted.
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