Tonight we drive in cars we built
from empty egg boxes and cartons of milk,
We are alive with the wind in our hair,
and the traffic is slow but we drive without care.
At times you ask if we'll ever go back,
and I forward the tape to our favourite track,
You say you miss home and I miss it too,
but tonight we are driving away from the blues,
tonight we're escaping,
just me and you.
Author notes
my first rhyming poem.
written for bekah, a dear friend.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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fantastic
very nice. short and to the point. like it. lots. -
this is really good
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wow that was so true, and it read really softly, nice poem.
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an excellent, even inscrutable work, i luv it
Tonight we drive in cars we built
from empty egg boxes and cartons of milk
your first two lines are potent and reveal the bottom line in this poem is far far beyond its brusque street dance of images and words.... your rhymes are what are referred to as sound rhymes, very difficult to use and yet keep the modern's mind ear attuned to your art.... you have avoided this problem with your natural talent of flow and avoidance of repetition meter such as iambic pentameter,,,, i am very happy to have read this poem. You speak of a longing to remember and yet to go forward in this lovely write.
Simply edible this poem is. ;
) ,,,Danni
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Ah, rhyming. I have just discovered her delicate charms. You have done a fine job here. You have conjured up the image - two people escaping something that they still love. The whole thing apparently imagined -
Tonight we drive in cars we built
from empty egg boxes and cartons of milk -
and gorgeous. I am drunk on red wine so maybe I am gushing, but I think this is a lovely piece.
Well Done,
K. F.
P. S. I almost didn't read this because the title made me think it would be a whingeing political wank, but I was very happy to be wrong..
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WOW!
red wine is a killer, thank you so much.
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wow
this poem is really really good, i love the imagery in it, it's fantastic
nice work
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Amazing
I usually LOATH ryhming poems with a fiery passion. I fell in love with this. The ryhmes did not even once sound forced and the flow came off as smooth, unbroken and natural. You also didnt carry the peice on too long - it's the perfect length. And the stories and imagery that go unsaid let the reader use their imagination to create images of their own.. I absolutely love it. I love the honesty of it and I disagree with nazrulith- I love how you didn't feel the need to force and squeeze metaphors and similes into the poem like some do. It makes it seem more bare, and hobest. This is excellent, great job, I have nothing at all to critiqiue. Have to say, the title absolutely made it for me & did me in (I love it). Rarely do I ever fall in love with structured poems this much.
Thanks for sharing
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thank you so much.
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