I can feel it in the air!
Magic emotion everywhere.
Like the way,you do your hair.
Amount of a stare!
Strong deep feeling of us there.
I look down through your eyes!
A mark of a sunrise!
Anger brewing,deep inside!
A feeling I cannot hide!
The hurt I can feel.
Like something thats not for real!
Spareing your time within.
Holding on and doing it again!
So,much built up inside!
A feeling to take you for a ride!
Don't cancel your pride!
Look for tomorrows surprise!
And,open up to God's love!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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strong ending very optimistic and firm, wonderful advice; and the whole poem has a very determnined air to it...very appealing...will look for more...PK
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Fine Job, Lisa''''
I'm not just saying that either, because you are 'My Sister'!! You did a great job, on this poem, especially for a beginner!!! I admire Your Writes...'God Bless You'...Love, Your Real-Life Sister, Shirley shaw-raytown,mo...
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I feel you can omit the last line,
for it gives nothing to the poems content,
space is given after each coma and "thats not" should be either "that is not" or "that's not" you also do not need so much !, overuse of ! reduces their effectiveness. I made simular mistakes when I started writing and still make them once and awhile. This has great potential to be a super positive poem, just hone your skills and this can become a very powerful poem.
Look at the writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Walt Whitman, and William Ellery Channing II all can be found at oldpoetry.
You will do well with this I am positive.
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nice
There are places I feel taking the A's out would make more of an impact. Such as "Mark of a sunrise" instead of A mark of a sunrise. also... that sentence the hurt I can feel instead should be "The hurt I feel" or even Hurt I feel. the end also would have more impact if you took away the and. Sometimes less is more;-) Overall I like i because it' not a poem that is easily understood. It has depth.
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This piece is filled with great emotions, I however have a few suggestions for possible improvement.
There are a few spots in which I doubt the placement of your commas. I'm definatly no grammar expert, but after "Like the way" and "So" and "And" I feel like the commas may not fit.
I also think this piece might flow better if you were to break it up into seperate stanzas (maybe either lengthening the piece, or making some of the lines shorter) (Where you had placed commas that do not fit, you could just do line breaks instead), and then see where the piece transitions in thoughts and cut to the next stanza there.
I really liked the title you chose for this, it fit the piece perfectly and increased the impact that this poem had : ).
thanks for sharing this, it was incredible, and the suggestions I made are definatly just a matter of opinion so do with them as you please.
Amanda -
Greatt flow and verse. I was suprised because it starts out with such love and warmth and just a connection to the subject but then it does a 180 with "Anger brewing deep inside" and then I had to step back and re read to see if I missed something. I guess it really illistrates how easily we can change our feelings and how something so internal can have such an effect on every moment. Well done
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Interesting and fresh, suprising twists, not at all stale, great message.
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well done
usually i hate rhyming but you pulled it off in this oneso i much say i didnt mind reading it. the general floww worked well in some areas and then some points like listening to a beat poet. but hey it does floww with imagery.
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i'm trying to get the connection between the title and the poem. You write in a style very simlar to me, but it have any flow. it was as if it skipped from thought to thought without anything connecting them. I still dont know what the poem is about. Is it about emotions? pain? well on a good note, i loved the last sentence.
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sounds quite real and something to be rid of. I liked the way it flowed to the end.
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