Like shells awakened on a sandy shore,
by happy children screaming one by one;
and waves that echo back with ocean's roar,
and cooling those exhausted by the sun:
in choosing me, you stirred the place I knew,
and caused such ripples in response to life,
together we repainted life anew,
forever changed by being man and wife.
It's nice to lie with you in sultry sand,
and feel the warmth of heaven on my face;
we walk along the beach now hand in hand
embraced by sights and sounds of nature's grace.
Unnoticed change occurs in all our days,
in marvelous and unexpected ways.
In a list
A contest entry
- BATTLE OF THE SONNETS---ROUND 1 by mamad.
400 points, ended June 3, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Titles or Title Inspiration (Prewrites Allowed) by reckless abandon.
425 points, ended June 18, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell Me Love Exists by LunaAmara.
600 points, ended August 2, 2007, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Summer Fun by misticmoonlite.
1050 points, ended August 10, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Shakespearean Sonnet Competition: "PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN" WORK ONLY. by Vera Rich.
490 points, ended June 15, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Thank you for entering this competition. Please note, though, that (in view of the occasion) it was for a Shakespearen sonnet in the strict sense of the word. Certainly you have grasped the rhyme-scheme, and the use of the volta between octave and sestet. However, as used by Shakespeare, each quatrain is, much more a self-contained unit than you have managed. So, in the strictest sense of the word, your first quatrain, which is effectively without a finite verb, could be considered by a purist as too great a deviation from the strictly Shakespearean form.
Moreover, I do find it it a little problematic to see how the first stanza relates to the second: WHAT precisely, is "Like shells... And waves"?
Neverheless, it is, overall, a pleasant and acceptable poem, and a good evocation of what one might call the tranquil joy of a long-lasting and happy marriage, and the language is, in the main fresh and evocative.
I am a little worried, though, about the beginning of line 9. Perhaps you chose the expression "It's nice" to suggest the fact that this is a long-established marriage, warm and comforting, but without the peaks of ecstasy of first love. But I fear that to many readers it will appear trite and cliche. Could you think about this? Perhaps there is some other word, a little less "obvious" than "nice", that would convey the same impression?
In any case, the poem goes on to my "short list" -and will receive the appropriate points in due course... so plase be patient.
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This is beautiful. Good luck in my contest.
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very pretty
Itoo love the title and the depth of the form,it worked wonderful with nature,thank you for entering and good luck
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love it--
this is a great write, very touching
good luck
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Thank you for the trophy!
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Wow, this sounds like a hallmark card!, beautiful words that flow off the tongue, like ripples
...It's nice to lie with you in sultry sand, and feel the warmth of heaven on my face..absolutely beautiful!
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Very nice indeed... and I'm glad you found your title.
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Beautiful sonnet..Honestly..I was relieved to see this was a prewrite, lol...this would have been almost scary If it had been written in, waht..maybe ten minutes..
Lovely, lovely sonnet..perfect fit.
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At first I thought you were the contest holder, but then when I realized you weren't I was glad- so I could applaud your comment. Your comment made me laugh!!
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some folks whip out free verse like lightning, but i though a sonnet? omg..
it is a very nice sonnet.
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Actually I think some people on here CAN whip out a sonnet too, like some people do free verse. I hope I get to that point someday...who knows, lol. In fact you have inspired me for another contest: to do a contest where they have to whip out a sonnet on the spur of the moment. If I win any contests in the next few weeks, I think I'll hold such a contest! Thanks for the inspiration
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Very nice sonnet you have going on here.
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I love the title echoes for this poem, it's so much more than just a poem about echoes. Great rhyming and good job. Good luck in the contest.
-KP] -
A beautiful sonnet - congratulations! I have yet to attempt one, though I think I will soon. I'm beginning to understand what iambic pentameter is - much more than syllable count.
Have you read any of Masterblaster's sonnets? She's the queen of the sonnet on here.
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Love it!!!
You know, I have been married for 11 years now, and had my wife and I written our own vows, that beautiful sonnet is exactly the quality I think that we would have strived to write. You have so many poetic gifts. I get so much fantastic imagery from this. We're going to renew our vows for our 15th anniversary, so I find your work so inspirational. It's something to strive for.
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why thank you! And congrats on your commitment. May it last your whole life. I think that is very special to renew your vows.
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Just beautiful, heart warming and full of love and romance. How I want to grow with the man of my dreams (he exists) in such a way. A really wonderful sonnet. Well done and best wishes for the competition.
Hugs and love,
Petratani
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your sonnet touched me very much ... I highly appreciate it when a poet uses simple and graceful words to express the simple joys in life ... no intention to impress or please, just sharing life, beauty and happiness ...
a wonderfully crafted poem with a serene message ...
congrats for moving on ...
maa
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EXQUISITE!
This is absolutely beautiful! Breathtaking as a matter of fact. I have few words to express the joy these words bring. My parents are still in love after 28 years of marriage. Would you mind if I shared this poem with them. I am smiling for I witness these words in my Mom and dad, as they still flirt and kiss in front of us. They had six children, all stair-steps. I am the eldest and we have been showered with love all our lives. I hope your kids will express themselves as I have when they come to know these sentiments because of the two of you. Simply beautiful work here. I am so impressed with this site that I must leave now to catch my breath. I might just enter this battle before I go but it is for certain you would be my competition. LOL
Della
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Thank you for your beautiful comment, which I have shared with my husband. You have honored us with your comment. I am so glad you have enjoyed this so much. Feel free to share this with your parents.
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"Feel the warmth of heaven on our face"--That's some great writing! Duana! lol I love that. You're so good.
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That's my favorite line too, lol! I will admit, it's a beautiful line, and I never say anything good about my own poetry, lol.
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Great write
I love the feeling. The serenity and the story you told.I love the internal rhymes here and the way you spoke from the heart.Great sonnet and I think this piece has all of you here.Great feeling and style and a great delivery. good job.I wish I couls say more.
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comment 2 to Hose
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhyme
wow just went here, and studied all the different types of rhyme. I had no idea so much was considered rhyme- so now I see what you mean. How embarrassing, lol. I didn't really do any of the internal stuff on purpose- just the end rhyme, though I did pay attention to the flow of words, and how they sounded together, and aliteration somewhat ect. so I guess that is all part of poetry. Someone I know on here said that meter came natural to him before he even knew what is was or that it had a name! So I suppose that's what is going on here, and it's all part of maturing, and using it with more control. Anyway thanks for your comment, it really helped me to grow, and also appreciate my own poetry better. Duana -
what were you thinking of when you said internal rhyme? Are you thinking of something else? Your comment reminds me of a comment a professor wrote in my paper- he said I see you have read a lot of Keirkgaard. I said read a lot of who? I never heard of him, and yet he thought my ideas must have been influenced by him. So perhaps there is natural internal rhyme in here, and I have no clue really what internal rhyme is, except for the most obvious forms, lol!
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Thanks Hose- glad you like it. I changed the last couplet if you want to happen to check it out again.
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lines 13 and 14 do have 10 syllables but...unlike syllablic verse when you work with meter you do not count syllables but metric feet. Line 13 has 2 iamb and 2 anapests. Four metric feet. In line 14 can you remove "know" from the line? If not it is emphasized. These two lines are easily fixed. This is a beautiful lyric poem. Just fixing the couplet will make it a very nice sonnet.
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Thank you- I THNIK I fixed it, but stresses can be very tricky and not always obvious.
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Wow I like the serenity of this poem. You can really feel the love there. Good poem hope it gets the praise is deserves from the contest.
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ohhhh
I loved this!!! Amazing write...Keep it up!!! -
Check your meter in lines 8, 13,14. Nice thought in this write.
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PS using three syabble words or more always trip me up, if that is the problem, Iwouldn't be surprised.
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Thank you for the feedback. I am going to try to get it right
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