Surrounding me is stubble, smoke, and ash;
life's efforts burnt to desolating naught-
a vacant land of tears for being rash.
A flaming sword of truth was all I sought,
not blazing sadness, trials, fear and pain!
The challenges were hard, unfair, askew;
I never want to go through this again!
Yet, each and every one brought me to you.
Your steady course of actions speak so real:
integrity, warmth, and laughter so free.
You represent a soul's innate ideal;
an incandescent light for all to see.
Your brilliance shines more than you even know
can my guilt ridden heart accept it though?
In a list
A contest entry
- BATTLE OF THE SONNETS---ROUND 1 by mamad.
400 points, ended June 3, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Shakespearean Sonnet Competition: "PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN" WORK ONLY. by Vera Rich.
490 points, ended June 15, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Thnk you for entering the Shakespearean Sonnet competition.
You have clearly grasped the most basic elements of the form; i.e. rhymescheme and stanza structure. However, this competition did specify Shakespearean form, and I do feel that the enjambment between lines 4 and 5 is out of key with Shakespeare's use of this structure; each of his quatrains forms, so to speak, a separate unit.
Also, I have to say that I find line 9 rather awkward:
Your steady course of actions speak so real:
Grammatically it is incorrect: since "course" is the "subject" , it requires a singular verb, i.e. "speaks" not "speak". (Perhaps this was a mistype?). And the adverbial use of "real", and indeed the very meaning of "real" in this context seems strange. It gives the impression that the main purpose of "real" here is simply to force a rhyme... which is, to my mind, rather unfortunate.
But PLEASE do not remove your poem from the competition. There will be some points coming for it in due course. -
Outstanding
This is a fine sonnet that is full of questioning. I thought you did wll with the volta in this as there was a definite change of emphasis i.n the second half of the poem. Best of luck in the contest
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You have a beautigul way of writing yourself. I fell into the flow of the poem instead of just reading it line for line. Thanks again for the comment on my poem.
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I second Forever Ryan. I couldn't even notice the rhyming, your poem was so "in-groove with the flow". Great sonnet.
Hugs and love,
Petratani
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This is beautiful, Duana. Really, really beautiful. To me it's like I just went through a bunch of crap and had the hardest time of my life but if that hadn't happened I wouldn't be here with you today. So in retrospect it was worth it. I understand this well. I loved the details you used here. Just beautiful. It's good to read your stuff again when I've been gone for awhile
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GREAT, FLOWS
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This has real promise. The ending couplet is great! Lines 2,5,need work on meter. Lines 9,11 do not rhyme.
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I THINK I corrected it.
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Okay, thanks. eeeps. You fix one problem, and then there's more, haha- but that's what editing is all about. Thanks again.
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I really love this write.
It is the most in-depth sonnet I have read in a while, and when reading it the rhymes I couldn't even notice they were so in-groove with the flow. What an excellent piece you have penned. Wonderful job.
Ryan
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PS just wrote another one that I am posting now- the one I am about to post I am most proud of because it's the first 'real attempt' where I didn't let my emotions get in the way of the rules, though on Reason For Living I also tried to do that, but didn't acheive the flow I wanted.
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Hi Ryan, glad to hear from you again. Okay- well I am a novice when it comes to sonnets- all my sonnets in my 'sonnet list' are not true sonnets, cause they don't stay true to the meter ect. But I made up my mind to this time to really sit down, and learn this form (all of them but starting with the english), and this time to really learn it, without deviating from the rules- so I am trying.
I will take your comment at face value, since I have a hard time judinging my own poetry, and say thank you. If you mean what you say, than I take it has the highest compliment coming from you. Duana
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