Half Past Eight
Doesn't seem so late
Strip Tease and run
To the sound of the gun.
Look at that face
Lost in rhythm disgrace
Laugh at the saint
Life dreamed up in paint.
And who cares in the end
Were just killing our friend
Alice looses her head
White hare lies that shes dead.
A contest entry
- Another Anything At All Contest by Poetic Rage.
375 points, ended August 15, 2007, 132 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I dont know about this one, just kinds happened. Let me know what you think.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Promise...sing
Sharing your thoughts and going out on a limb in testing your poetic potential is fine - however at times it is helpful to respect punctuation and spelling because this renders your thoughts more accessible
One presumes you mean Alice loses her head not Alice loosens her head ?
When you say "White hare" is this an indirect allusion to Alice in Wonderland or a deliberate pun between hair and hare ?
Hoping this is construed as proactive criticism ... -
OKAY......................................
Well, I for sure don't understand the meaning of this little gem, but I guess you knew what you were talking about, right?
POETDONTKNOWIT -
Look at that face
Lost in rhythm disgrace
Laugh at the saint
Life dreamed up in paint.
Well this is one of the phases of the life and it has its onw place..but what I believe is that it is not the last one and it may change gradualy turning itself into something more permanent one day..presently scenario is well built ...
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Okay
This appears to be an attempt to capture a dream. Images fly by without any apparent connection.
The rhymes are absolutely clear, but did you focus on rhyme over meaning? I like "Laugh at the saint/Life dreamed up in paint." Perhaps the strongest statement in the poem.
Your meter is harsh and jarring. Since you could easily have adjusted the lines to make the rhythm more smooth, I have to assume that this is the effect you want.
It's a harsh, unpleasant poem, evocative, but like a nightmare. If this was your aim, I have to say you've succeeded. -
WELL........................
I of couse love the rhyme scheme, the concept, I really don't have a clue. Awesome piece though!
POETDONTKNOWIT -
Artwork or a Dream
A very different piece of work ...
This line really says alot "Life dreamed up in paint"
As if you dreamed this and wrote it as you was seeing it....
One tends to relate their work to dreams,fantasys,and nightmares.Which just means you can paint the picture alot better for us the reader cause you wittnessed it first hand....
Great Write.....
You should try some more like this put alittle more thought into the subject and you will have an amazing piece of work or art....
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