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All For You

Today marks my 245th day here
to stand tall and hide my fear

It wont be long now and I can go home
and my children wont feel alone

I carry them with me through the cold
but the terror always has me in its hold

Will I see them again, always racing in my mind
to touch their face,little treasures for me to find

I cant begin to describe all that I have had to do
but I can tell you this... I have done it all for you

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • EPoD
    July 13, 2007

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    Maybe I'm tired but I actually didn't notice it rhymed until about the 3rd stanza. Funny, rhyming usually annoys me but it actually works quite well here. Really this work was quite brilliant.

    The only thing that bugged me was in the 2nd stanza. In my mind the word "and" appears one to many times making it seem somewhat awkward. I'd suggest removing the one on the second line. That is just my own personal opinion, however.

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece


  • Jeremy0826 silver member
    May 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A very powerful and promising piece
    you have written here. I can't even
    imagine a day spent in this type of
    situation. I think you did a great job
    with this one! Thank you very much for
    your entry in my contest. I wish you
    the best of luck with it here!



    Jeremy0826


    • YesterdaysDreams
      May 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, this topic really hits home for me I have many friends in the military and have lost some as well. One of my friends lost her husband recently, he left behind a new born son. Many dont realize what soldiers face and how much they really give to us for our freedom.


  • Everlasting-Fallout
    May 26, 2007

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    a very powerful piece, simple, and straightforward, but all the more powerful because of the simplicity. Honestly, I don't like the AA BB CC etc rhyme scheme in most cases, but here it seems to work well.

    The only thing that I think could be improved would be to remove the "even" in the line "I can't even begin to..." (2nd to last) Doing so would help keep the flow of the piece, rather than interrupting it and causing an awkward space for the reader's mind. If you do wish to break the flow of the piece, the last or first line is always a smart place to do it - in those cases doing so adds emphasis. Overall, a great poem. Well done

    • YesterdaysDreams
      May 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your honesty and critical advice so many just praise and dont offer any true advice ( I am guilty of this too) You were right about "even" breaking the flow and I did edit again thank you

1 - 5 of 5