i dont know where we are going
but we are getting no where.
oil is a habit worth breaking.
we have damaged the earth beyond repair.
too many wars are emerging
are they worth their weight in gold?
if we don`t fix our future
we will never live to be old.
we gotta open our eyes
before we dont have a chance for one more day.
we gotta fix our problems
cuz the world is just melting away.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Good message. One that is f-ing needed. I applaud you on that.
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Preachy and lazy
Ok, first of all, writing poetry is an effort and an exposure, and I commend you for making an effort and exposing yourself to criticism. Also, I have to agree with your poem in its entirety. The world is not in good shape and it does not seem that current policies will make it better. But to provide useful input to the crisis, even observation, you have to get more specific (for the observation) and more proscriptive about the solutions.
Why "preachy"? Because you criticize without offering a solution or an action plan other than "we gotta fix our problems". Gee, I hope I'm not riding with you when we break down, because we're gonna need more specific recommendations!
Why "lazy"? I'll never claim to be perfect, but spellchecker is free and useful for words like braeking.
Anyway, I encourage you to keep writing - and reading - and to develop the ideas in your poem. Quoting a recent T-shirt message: "Quit bitching and start a revolution" - only I would add, be specific about what you want to change, and how. Steve
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thanx........
hey..i wanna thank you for giving a true comment...not many ppl do that now.....i like ur kind of comments best. they are the ones who accually help ppl with their writing!..some times it gets annoying when ppl just say good job..then end their comment, even though the poem has too many mistakes to count... dont get me wrong,those comments make u feel good about yourself and all that, but they dont help you do better.......anyway, thanks for your comment,,.
as much as i like your comment, i will not add anything or change anything about my poem,i like it the way it is,(but i will change the spelling error)...
keep writing
keep smiling
keep da peace!
....................lala
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good poem with an excellent meaning behind it...we do need to wake up and realize that not only should we stop fighting about oil, we need to find other means of power...oil pollutes and kills the people and animals...perhaps solar energy...but who could afford that, right??(hun, you spelled breaking wrong
)
Blessed Be
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it may be simple yet it really says a lot about how the world is going and is making us suffer. this one's really good! woo!
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I really like this! I like the message it conveys, it's very truthful.
Just a couple things: you misspelled "breaking," and there was one part that didn't seem to flow as well as the rest of it: "before we dont have a chance for one more day." It seemed a bit wordy, but rephrasing would fix that.
My favorite part was "cuz the world is just melting away." It conveyed the slow yet determined ruin that we are wreaking upon ourselves.
I also really liked the structuring of the poem, with spaces between lines. I can't really tell you why, lol.
I applaud you for using your poetic skills to adress a problem worth confronting. Nice job. -
Wow!! the last lines deffenetly have send a shiever into me. very touching words and good flow. Greately written!!
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OMG great poem
U make a very very good point with this poem, and i TOTALLY agree with u, no doubt in my mind.
Great job, and keep writing!!!
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