Like Moses commanding the sea to rise
you demanded that I give you
more attention
except the only difference was
this time
the water never obeyed
instead
it vanished faster
than you blinked,
and when your eyelid opened
nothing was there but an endless
Savannah.
My ghost dared you to cross the desert.
I wonder if I haunted you
I wonder if the wolves got you in the night.
I wonder if the rattlesnakes bit you
like your venom- injecting lies
poisoning my mind,
now
all you have is moonlight,
yet I have the sky.
When you finally get over me
a cloud will hover
over your insecure mind, and
that cloud will rain so furiously,
concussions will quake inside your cranium as
lightning strikes mark my wrath.
Karma will fall so much,
faster than I fell for you,
the sea will appear again.
You will be drowning
not in what you asked for,
but what you
deserved.
Author notes
Personal. For Natalie.
Poetic Devices
metaphor, simile, allusion [thanks Nate], personification, and imagery.
Yes, the image is a kissing disease plush toy.
A contest entry
- A Quickie by Hadji Murad.
600 points, ended May 25, 2007, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This gold was well deserved, for you used many metaphors, the simile, the allusion(which I wouldn't have noticed, besides the fact that you spoke of it) and personification. Personification is one of the pure signs of talent, for you look into an object, giving them human powers, though they are somewhat metaphorical. Your detail has never ceased to depict a masterpiece--which holds true in this write. Seriously, your writing has grown so much and the moods expressed through your words....they turn me green with envy of your talent! Keep up the great work, bro!
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Thanks!
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Jesus Christ! You really got a lot of bitterness in there. Well expressed bitterness, though, so it is good. THis line was a little cliched:
I wonder if the rattlesnakes bit you
like your venom- injecting lies
poisoning my mind,
Maybe try
I wonder if the rattlesnakes bit you
and poisined you body
like you poisoned my mind
That just seems a little clearer and less awkward to me.
Apart from that, very well-executed.
kissing disease plush toy?....can't say I know what that is.
K. F.
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I don't see how it is awkward, I might just leave it the way it is. Thank you for the suggestion though.
As for the kissing plus toy, for the contest i entered the rule was to put that line in the authors notes, and that line also explains the picture on the contest page [which is indeed the kissing disease plush toy] lol
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Shit I love these metaphors. No wonder this is one of your best poems. I think that Gold Trophy speaks for the whole poem's awesomeness. Excellent piece. Defiantly worth the read.
Ryan
- yay! i'm not forgetting the gangsters -
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Wow... this is really good Ty... no wonder you got the gold trophy in this contest... amazing job! Rock on! xoxo Meg
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Oy!!
Wow! Powerful piece penned and what a way to bring Personal in there...taking the reader with You
Congratulations on Your Trophy win!
Many blessings to You
Best wishes too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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Thanks
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This deserved its gold. I really enjoyed this one!
I think your more personal pieces are always better. They have so much more soul and they flow so much better.
Great job!
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Thank you! It means a lot to me that you said that.
I've noticed my metaphor poems being dull and had no personality in it, but lately I've been trying to mix profound metaphor with profound emotion. Thanks.
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Excellent
Very poetic indeed. Congratulations.
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Thanks
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This is quite sensational. Actually I am impressed beyond words. This is so phenomenal.
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Thank you so much! It means a lot to me, really, because not only are you hard to impress but this one was quite personal.
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