Brilliant and amazing,
she brings life and love wherever she goes.
Her beauty is her soul,
Its a shame he had to steal kisses
with promises of undying love.
Nows shes frozen in time,
life became a confusing blur of memories.
I watched her tremble,
tears fall to the ground
like drops of broken glass.
He lead her through a maze,
never saying how to find him.
When she found her way through,
He left her standing alone.
My heart watched in total helplessness,
i seen the storm coming but couldn't stop it .
To her i say i am so sorry.
To her i say she is stronger,
then the mightiest winds that try's to tear her down.
Be brilliant and amazing,
Your pain will be his regret!
Share your beauty with the world,
spread your love of life.
See the worth of the diamond you are.
When your wings heal and they will,
Fly like the gentle dove you are!
Author notes
(Amber)
This was wrote for my real life daughter.To Inspire her to be the person i know she is!
In a list
A contest entry
- completely anything you want! NO RULES WHAT~SO~EVER! by ibsons hysops.
1000 points, ended May 30, 2007, 65 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~ Who Can Impress Lady Enthralling ~ by theredcatjazzoflove.
450 points, ended July 3, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MOST IMPROVED POET! ANYTHING~ EVERYTHING by Florida Sunshine.
525 points, ended July 5, 2007, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Favorite Poems by Avatar of Innocence.
400 points, ended December 27, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1706 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I really like the emotion that you put into this.. And the imagery was just beautiful! You wrote a wonderful poem for your daughter!! I'm sure that she will turn out to be a beautiful woman!!! Thank you very much for sharing.. I wish you the best of luck!!
Angel
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The first couplet is a bit too straightforward. Where is the imagery and the vivdness? Describ WHY and HOW 'she' brings life and love; for example: "kissing children's cheeks ruddy, a paradigm of brilliance edge her curling lips"
The second stanza: "soul-faced beauty radiating" or any derivative could replace the first line. The rest of the stanza is fine. 'Its' is possessive; change to it's (contraction of 'it is').
The Third stanza: The first line could be improved. "Guarded by Time's glacia grip" do you see the alliteration of the "G" sound? Fourth line in the stanza could read "Dawn's dew fell from her glances". You could do better.
Fifth stanza: Find a synonym for 'helpless'. The second line of the stanza should be changed to "I'd seen" or "I saw" or "I have seen". My poetry professor told me to kepp a poem consistent: if you capitalize your 'I's once then keep it throughout the poem, unless you are mimicing E.E. Cummings.
Fix these lines: To her I say she is stronger/ THAN the mightiest winds that try [not try's or tries] to tear her down.
Your tone changes in starting from the 6th couplet-stanza down from descriptive and declarative to commanding. The last three stanzas need a lot of work. Paint images with words to describe How 'she' can do all those things. Juxtapose dove (indeed a symbol of purity and peace) with something strong like steele. How will 'her' wings heal? What will they look like as compared to before? These images could help bring this poem to the ending line, which is also the title. If you change the end line, you may or may not choose to change the title if you want. But really, alliteration, metaphor, simile, imagery are the tools you need to improve this poem.
If you can stomach more of my blathering, let me know.
Good luck on this poem. -
TRY AGAIN
No. I refuse to critique this poem. Despite the obvious grammatical and mechanical problems with it, it is way too personal. I do not want my comments to be misconstrued as an attack against you or your daughter, so please, submit another poem.
You have 24 hours to submit another poem, or I will remove this poem from the contest. I do not like removing poems from the contest, but I do not want to be hated for being brutally honest. I think I do, though, but anyway...Remove this poem please. It will be a great disservice to you if you don't.
For the record, I read this poem twice over and thought twice as hard as to whether or not I will critique this poem. I have decided in accord with my better judgment that I will not critique this poem. -
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I would like to leave the poem in the contest. For that very reason to be critiqued. It is personal but none the less a writing a poem. So i will not take grammaticle and mechanical problems personal. I love to learn and so if you can teach then by all means teach me.
Trust me i ask the best on AP to critique my work all the time.
So i would really like your thoughts on how to improve this writing.
Thanks
Lisa
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Exceedingly Gracious
Thank you for being mature about your decision. I take back my decision if you really value my opinion. Because you were cordial about wanting a critique, I will return the gesture.
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This was an exciting piece to read~ and being an early piece I think already you have amazing talent~ I can't wait to see as your next.
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beautiful... expressing ones inner beauty and outter beauty is words of priceless. nice write love good luck in my contest
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Beautiful tribute about your little girl~
Share your beauty with the world.
spread your love and life still
people will see the worth of the diamond you are,
and when your wings heal
Fly like the gentle dove you are!
This is my favorite stanza. This inspires me to write something for my kids.
My wife and I have two children. Our daughter is 5, and our son is 9. I love to read poetry that's written from the heart, like this surely was. Bravo to a wonderful Mom!!!! -
It's beatuiful. Good job, Lisa. I really liked it. .....Guys are pigs. lol. Love ya chick
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Okay Mommy, I understand why you gave me this... thank you! My singlatarity isn't as much as I problem for me as I thought it would be. I kinda enjoy it better than being in a relationship. lol! I really hope Amber will be able to see herself as the diamond/princess that God created her to be. I hope she realizes what a wonderful, thoughtful, mommy she has. And as for you, I hope and pray that you continue to be the Mighty Woman of God that God has ordained and called you to be. He set you in your children's lives for such a time as this! Stay blessed and grounded in God's truth! Love ya Mommy!
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Love it lisa your great
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Very Beautiful all of the way through!!!
You are a Finalist!!!
Good Luck in the Contest!!!!
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Very Beautiful all of the way through!!!
You are a Finalist!!!
Good Luck in the Contest!!!!
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lol Rodney
No breaking faces for your sis ..just you and nick be there for her ..she will be fine shes tough or at least thats what she will let him think..
Your a sweetheart .
I am glad i adopted you here and in real life!
~Lisa~ -
BEautifully Written
I lie how you use alot of figure of speeches to explain the points of your poetry its awesome! Good luck with your other writing! and Hopefully She Gets better I dotn wanna have to break anyones face for ma Sissy
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this is a really great write, i liked it alot ! <3
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As a mother
I think my emotions got the best of me when i watch my daughter sob her eyes out and this poen came from a mothers heart , Thanks to all who responed Jules , Rose. -
Strange my dear sister...this poem has some familiarity today.There are some of us that never stop thinking and caring about others. I wonder who this delightful dove is....I have tried to practise this in my life, and I say it to my regret...even doves get hurt......And they fly away, never to return....They find a gentle place where they can recover and still try and bring peace and love.....for that is their nature....Fly away dove!
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Sweet and touching.
sounds like young love. all of us have gone through this pain as if life would end, but we survive and became stronger for the experience. The best remedy, is talk and talk about feelings and what person could have done if anything. sometimes we are unable to do anything, for the other person makes the decision and we are left with the pain/ I hope this day will pass.
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