On the road home from buying some smokes
I passed a hand-painted cardboard sign
for a craft show, just today until four.
I was never one for art or old wives' tales,
but today on impulse and rash chance
I took the turn and followed the trail.
I found a weary house with broken windows,
weatherworn white paint and a collapsing roof.
An old woman with creases around her eyes
that whispered from an era of bitter burdens
sat at a table with an ivory cane at her side.
Her pale hands were wrinkled and wilted
and her hair was chalky and wire thin.
She smiled at me from behind her glass eye
and called out, "Take a gander 'round, sonny,
if ya see somethin' ya like, let ol' Annie know."
I saw the mason jars full of colored sand,
and the patchwork quilts with children's names,
the rough charcoal sketches of forgotten faces
and the crude pottery once forged in a kiln.
I looked over the first bowl and the second,
and picked up the third, an amber-glazed pot
with dilated dents and harsh, husk edges.
Deep inside I saw prints from fingers
belonging to a worn woman of age and grief,
imperfections that were intentionally left
simply to appreciate for their faults' sake.
"Do ya like 'er, sonny? She can be yers,
for jus' an Abe an’ a George it's all yers."
I took out my wallet and gave her the cash,
and she asked, "Buyin' it fer yer sweetie?"
I told her no, that I wasn't in love anymore.
As her grinning eye changed to pity, she said
"Sonny, ya ain't livin' life without someone,
with no one to love an' love ya back th' same."
I told her that one day I found I wasn’t loved back
and that things were just no longer that simple.
So then she replied, "Not true there, sonny,
love is somethin' easier than kids today think,
ta show love is th' reason we're all even here,
but one day ya kids will learn it on yer own."
I didn’t really have an answer to give back
so I gave Annie thanks and took my yellow bowl
and got into my truck to head back home,
but on the drive back I came to the realization
that today I went to a craft show and bought a bowl
and met God in the glass eye of an old woman.
In a list
A contest entry
- Enter Your Best Poem Here, ONE WINNER TAKES ALL by echo-ink.
725 points, ended August 8, 2008, 38 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I think this was amazing, with or without the periods. Guess what? you just won yourself my best pick.
I loved this. I don't hold spelling bee's or grammer lesson's, this contest was for a write that would touch my heart, and this touched it the most. loved it, yessa!!! PL
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I really love this one. Your imagery is amazing. It transported me to a dusty road where the sun is shining brightly and a dilapidated house is perched just at the end. I honestly didn't pay attention to the punctuation or grammar on first glance, I was so caught up with the dialogue. However, here is my critique:
Line 14 reads a little awkwardly. How would it be possible for someone to smile BEHIND a glass eye? There might be another word that could express this more clearly.
Line 22-Perhaps a colon should be used instead of a comma as the following is a description of the third pot. That whole description reads a little long for one sentence, but I'm not sure if there's a good way to break this up.
You did a wonderful job on this one as well. BRAVO! -
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I want thank you for your constructive criticism in regards to those two lines. I actually feel this is one of my stronger pieces now because of the feedback I've received on this one. I looked over lines 21-23 and found that you were indeed right about the length of the sentence, being too much of a fragment. Instead of the semi colon on 22 though, I decided to put a period on 23, and drop the "and" at the beginning of 24. I do want to thank you though, otherwise I would have surely missed it.
As for line 14, that is what I originally had written, but I think you're right about it. I'm not sure how to go about changing it yet, but I'm going to give it some thought.
Thank you again, for the wonderful feedback. I really appreciate the honesty. I appreciate the compliments as well.
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Very wonderfully and uniquely crafted; enjoyed this one so much! Thank you for sharing and for being a part of the contest
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Wow...a very wise old woman. You need to change chalkly to chalky, but this is a great poem. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Wow, I've been over this thing probably 20 times and completely missed that. Thanks for pointing it out. And I'm glad you liked it.
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bravo
Not the style of poetry that I especially favor, however this is a totally enchanting piece of poetry! Excellent in every regard. I loved it, loved it, loved it! Bravo...Bravo ...bravo...
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Interesting...
What an interesting form you write with. I like the images that you provide...they are all very vivid. The title of the piece caught my eye, so...good name choice. Great work. -
I just had to stop in for another peak at some of your other work. You have a very unique style, very full of immmagery. I enjoyed this read even more than the first and loved the little tidbit at the end
Ruth
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Very good ending- I was looking to tie in the theme of 'love', and you wove it in late... now this piece seems to be from you imagination and not an actual encounter- a bit of creative writing, and well done enough... so, if it isn't an actual encounter, I would give you the assignment of going to a few yard sales and writing what you really experience- you may think it would be quite dull, but nothing is dull from a person who is deep enough... and it doesn't take much to be deep- just looking past the surface and thinking past the cliche usually does it...! In fact, I think every writer should have a 'Yard Sale' collection of at least twenty-five pieces, if only as a definitive measure of the writer!
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Nice imagery in this one. Let's see if I can find something to critique =)
Punctuation: Line three should be a period, not a comma. Same with line six. Line nine should have a comma at the end, with another comma at the end of line ten. Line thirteen should have a period. Line 16 should have a period. Line 20 should have a period. Line 27 should have a period. Line 29 should have a period. Line 35 should have a period. Line 41 should have a period.
Line ten: This is too blunt. I'd rather hear something like 'whose eyes reflected harsh times and a harsher life.' The reader can infer that she lived through the depression-- I mean, it's pretty apparent that she's old enough. This line is another chance to really develop Annie into a realistic character and let the reader get to know her better.
You say in line 22 that you picked up the third item, but according to your list that would be the sketches of forgotten faces. This should be 'picked up the fourth.' Line 21 needs to be adjusted accordingly.
Line twenty three: It seems more likely that this woman would have made the bowl with only her fingers and maybe a knife. I think the 'tools' part could be taken out. Maybe replace it with '...edges marring the surface' or something similar.
Line 29: Normally I'd object to the repetition of 'be yers/all yers', but in this case (since it's a person speaking, a dialect thing) I think I can let it slide.
Line 31: The verb said should probably be changed to asked, just for the sake of not using 'said' more than once in one piece.
Line 42: You already used the verb reply back in line 38. I'd use something else here. Maybe 'answer.'
Line 43: same issue with the verb 'told.' Maybe 'gave.'
Nice work with this, it's definitely an interesting read. Thank you for your submission
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First, I want to say I really appreciate the honesty. The main reason I started posting here is for this kind of feedback. I wanted criticism to improve, not really to build my ego. So thank you.
I've been writing this way more lately, instead of keeping constant form and rhyme, so I hadn't really focused on punctuation much and just placed commas at the end instead of periods. At first I didn't think it mattered much, but now I see it improves the way someone can read it. I may extend this to other recent poems.
Also, I noticed myself using words like "said" too often while writing it, but never really put much into it. This has been changed now. I changed the phrases that you made suggestions for as well. But instead, I came up with something different, just for creativity sake.
Again, thanks for the advice.
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