Her eyes complicated simplicity
dripping under the weight of sour deceit,
melding to the warm wet circles
tainting the already tired bar.
She was soaking up the animosity,
those precious pieces
tunneled beneath the mainstream
of dancing whims and limbs.
From this corner of maybes
I saw a slice of moon between your teeth,
refracting promises, turning aside possibilities.
I was caught; stranded in her thousand yard stare,
my fantasies twisted into form,
tracing circles over her soul.
My ambit swallowed in empty vows
and monochromatic stains smearing bravado.
There were no cotton candy comforts,
no petals of innocence
lurking beneath her electric laughter.
Just frosted intentions, shielding her
from the wet side of clouds
and papering over her shattered whole.
I took my oversized insomnia
into the rusted remnants of today,
left those spirals of copulating smoke
and closed the door on her derision.
Author notes
Option 5 - Phrases Bank
Phrases Used : complicated simplicity, shattered whole, the weight of sour deceit, frosted intentions, petals of innocence, cotton candy comforts, precious pieces, rusted remnants of today, soaking up the animosity, monochromatic stains, twisted into form, a slice of moon between your teeth, electric laughter, tunneled beneath the mainstream, wet side of clouds, dancing whims and limbs, tracing circles over her soul, oversized insomnia, swallowed in empty vows.
I also used "A Monologue Of Sand" as the poem title
A contest entry
- Battle Of The Muse. Fighting With Ink: {ROUND ONE} by PerfectImperfection.
900 points, ended June 20, 2007, 26 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
Beautiful use of the phrases - each one fits in seamlessly where you've placed it. You've used many of your own slightly abstract images so the phrases don't seem out of place at all.
I particularly love the first line. A lot of others have used that phrase, but you're the only one so far to make 'complicated' a verb instead of an adjective. It was refreshing to read the same thing in a new light.
I'm not too sure the title fits the content, but it'll do. Also, perhaps 'refracting' doesn't need it's capital as it's not starting a new sentence.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
-
-
Hadn't noticed the capital, it wasn't intentional so thank you for pointing it out.
-
-
A pleasure to read! From beginning to end, a seamless representation of perception in poetry. Well written, with a great flow. The imagery here is wonderfully descriptive, allowing your reader to envision the tale as it unwinds. There isn't an error to be found, so no "BUT..." shall you hear from me. Thank you so much for entering & Best wishes in the contest!
-
WOW
Perfect use of the phrases and the best thing is you cannot even tell that there was a bank used. Your poem flows so effortlessly...I am working on my poem for this contest now...Your poem is flawless and had me from word one, Bro....
Lynda
-
Nice tight coherent turning of phrases
I could picture this scene, although I've never experienced this. If the slice of moon is your own creation, it is excellent. i'm not so sure about oversized insomnia. it sounds a bit strained and a little out of place and therefore it seems to jar and be inconsistent with the tenor of the poem. Overall, a good effort.
-
Very descriptive of a person's feelings and experiences. Since I'm not good at reading more complicated poetry, I'm not entirely clear on this point: Is this about someone seeing a stranger for the first time and understanding them? If not, then please clarify because I'm easily confused xP
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
