Hated and forgotten, unable to retreat to the confines of my mind, so paved it is with insanity and uncertainty, I do the only thing that makes sense in this strange twilight: I dance.
Author notes
I'm just going really insane right now, and dance is the only thing I have left, but I can't even do this because the studio won't open until Monday...I mean, the studio is the only place that I'm truly at peace, where I don't feel like the whole world is going to just blow up...I'm stuck here, and I'm just going insane.
A contest entry
- The Power Of Compression. by electric supernova.
600 points, ended June 28, 2007, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Great job with this. I cannot do a one liner at all and yours was great. You are a great poet so keep typing/ writing/ whatever else you could do to get it down.
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I can't eeven explain how often I feel like this. just so insance that i feel like there is no where to go, nothing to do that could give me peace of mind. I end up either dancing, as you say or singing, or both sometimes i just scream though that doesn't usually help at all. great job hope you can dance with all your heart and make your head feel a lil less crazy. with love and giggles, the white rabbit
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lovely....you did a very good job while working with one line!
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thank you very very much!!!
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always bout dance... tist tist tist... its ok i forgive u this time.. haha just kidding... not bad bearalou!
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oh god han...*rolls eyes*...bearalou??? so what are u then, hanalou??? thats just odd, ya know that?
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Wow, dixiedme is right its really hard to pull off a good one liner. Very good write. yay my 100th comment!
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thanks (honestly, i usually cant shut myself up until ive hit about thirty lines
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hooray for the 100th comment!!!
~Bear~
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I praise anyone who can write a one liner. I can't seem to pull it off! Keep up the good work!
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thanks
~Bear~
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very beautiful. i would try to unleash it from paragraph form, but the wording is beautiful. as for a suggestion, depending on if you are in the city or near a field or something, i would try to find a place that can provide you that same feeling in some way, maybe a walk to the beach in the evening and listen to the sound of the waves. that works for me.
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well thank you very much...and that is also good advice (though unfortunately i live nowhere near a beach), but i have a few places ive found that i can go to (unless its raining)
thanks for reading and commenting
~Bear~
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Being a dancer, I know exactly what you mean. My one suggestion is to try and find different words for "Hated", "Forgotten" and "Insanity" just because they're overused sometimes. But I think it's wonderful for a one liner!
Good luck in the contest! -
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thank you for reading and commenting (dancers rule ), thanks for wishing me luck (because i usually need it), and thanks for the ideas, ill mess around with some synonyms and see what i come up with...
~Bear~
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Enjoyable!
I love this. This is exactly how I feel, but I do not dance; I sing. It may be short, but it is wondeful. -
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thanks, im glad that you enjoyed, and that you could relate and know what i was talking about...(does that make sense? a lot of the stuff i say doesnt.)
~Bear~
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wow. This is crazy good.
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thank you.
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the word choice is fine. it is depressing but beautifully so. great job. i like this a lot. you should find my one liner; Trapped.
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thank you very very much, im glad that you enjoyed...ill definitely look into reading your poem.
~Bear~
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I like it. Sometimes short writes can say a lot, and I think this one certainly does. It describes your situation very well and gives one a feeling of your "insanity" that you are stuck with right now. One minor thing that I would suggest might be to change the title to "My Only Escape" because it would help the piece to sound even more desperate. Nice work!
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thanks for commenting, and i like your idea for the title...im glad u think that i did well with a shorter poem, because i wasnt sure what with my usual poems being much much longer...happy reading.
~Bear~
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Good job, and I hope things get better for you. It's very important to choose words and grammar carefully, especially in very short pieces. This piece sounds and looks a little awkward because of how the commas are placed, and the way you word this part isn't quite right: 'so paved they are of insanity and uncertainty'. Here are a couple suggestions. They're what I would have put down instead.
Hated and forgotten, I am unable to retreat to the confines of my insane and uncertain mind. I do the only thing that makes sense in this strange twilight: I dance.
I am hated and forgotten, and unable to retreat to the confines of my mind. It is paved with insanity and uncertainty, and so I do the only thing that makes sense in this strange twilight: I dance.
Just a couple of ideas. Good job with the way you express the feelings in this poem, though! -
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thanks for the suggestions, ill play around with the words a little later tonight...glad that u enjoyed.
~Bear~
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I don't dance in a studio, but it is the main way I relieve stress - so I understand that bit. I hope things get better in your world soon! I love your choice of words as well, by the way. Best of luck to you!
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thank you, thank you, and again, thank you. glad you liked.
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