Atlas was a myth, and a god to boot
Why borrow burdens with what strength remains?
Stop striving for invisibility
Hiding behind busy-ness
Wearing jobs and assignments and roles
Like amulets against ancient caustic criticisms;
Peel them all away like layers of an onion
With shrinking, trembling, icy-fingered apprehension
That there won’t be anything left
When the hats are all removed
Just nothingness, a skinned zero
The realization that there is no real substance
In the shimmering immensity of a giant soap-bubble
Centermost
In sweaty-palmed, jello-legged relief
Find a small
but Caring
Heart
Author notes
Hello...
A contest entry
- You by Sofia Nadia.
800 points, ended May 31, 2007, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I really enjoyed reading the second stanza. I think your imagery is incredible, as is your word choice. At first, the whole onion metaphor reminded me of "Shrek" (mature, I know), but then I read on and was blown away by the delicate helplessness you depict...or at least that's what I got from it.
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Think many times we are scared to find out who we really are inside - keep thinking of mothers after their kids leave - if they have been at home all this time, can they cope with the empty nest and no kids to look after or mother every day? One has to have confidence in their abilities and their seach for themselves. Underneath that rough exterior, their beats a heart of gold. Right? Liked the way you wrote this, sentiments well expressed in these lines.
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I think u were trying to say people who are trying to be something big. like some big superstar, but on the inside their just like the rest of us. =)
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Thank you, I will look it over and try to make it clearer.
What I was trying to say was that I was scared to really look at myself, afraid that I was maybe REALLY Nothing, apart from my chores or jobs or 'hats'.
Sorry I messed up the points on your reply, I hope I can figure out how to fix that. I keep making mistakes with where/when I click the mouse. I'm new and still learning how this site works.
Thank you for your feedback!
Mirthryl
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Better
than some of the entries i've read so far. your first stanza didn't really strike me as anything special. i read it and immediately thought that you were going to do what most other have: simply create a list of adjectives describing yourself.
however, i was pleased to see that in the second and third stanzas (both of which i thought were significantly better than the first) that you did manage to use some metaphors and imagery, which is what i really want to see in this competetion. i liked your tone also...that kind of helplessness makes you appealing and understandable. well done!! thanks for your entry and good luck in the contest!!
~SofiNadi -
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on entry "An Introduction"
Reworked the first stanza as you suggested. Renamed it 'Appraisal'. Would you please preview this write again?
Thank you very much,
Mirthryl -
Dear Sofia Nadia;
I rewrote the first stanza, and hope you wouldn't mind taking a look at it now.
I changed the title to 'Appraisal'.
Thank you for your feedback, I hope this is better!
Mirthryl
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I think i know where your going with the message of this poem. but i'm not 100% sure. but i liked it none the less. =)
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on 'An Introduction'
Dear Heart-Broken-Angel;
Please tell me where this left you feeling 'unsure', and please also tell me where you thought I was going with the message of the poem. Then I'll know what to work on!
Thank you very much!
Mirthryl
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