Lost in my complicated simplicity
The petals of innocence of my truth telling
Bleeding with my blood, chemical existence
In the brain and I am nothing to you,
I cannot create cotton candy comforts
And my mind is tunnelled beneath the mainstream
And bridged above it. Anything but it.
Surrounding it with such a longing to be the norm,
But not to change. And you are there
Looking at the girl who touches too many sounds,
Tracing circles in her soul.
Author notes
Option 5
A contest entry
- Battle Of The Muse. Fighting With Ink: {ROUND ONE} by PerfectImperfection.
900 points, ended June 20, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This piece has a lovely, soulful feel to it; it flows well, almost like musice. You've used the phrases beautifully, and added some of your own powerful descritpions also. I love "the girl who touches too many sounds."
I didn't care for the almost end-rhyme in the first three lines. It put your otherwise lovely piece off to a not-so-good start.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed. -
Judged
Use of Enlgish: 0
COMMAS! Argh! WAY TOO MANY COMMAS!
Poetic Devices: 8
Mellow and musical is how this piece struck me. I like the image of the mind; it was very in-depth. However...not all of your metaphors were exactly good. Some felt repetitive.
Organization: 10
You got my attention. I like the one-stanza poems; they retain my attention. I liked that this was so short and said so much, and that is a tribute to your excellent organizational skill.
Originality: 7
Yergghhh. If you are going to rhyme, rhyme. If not, then don't so it. Note: Never reuse words, contestant! "Mainstream" bothered me the second time.
TOTAL score: 25
Final comments: Perhaps you should have spent more time on this. It has that 'throw-together' look, begging your pardon. A revision would help that. HOWEVER...I could see this as song lyrics, where many of the flaws I pointed out wouldn't matter. I could definitely see this as a song Linkin Park might do. -
Interesting take on the word bank phrases chosen. The imagery here is vague, the only real description is muffled by the abrupt content; or the lack thereof. I feel the emotion here has yet to bloom. Thank you for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!
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Wow
this was excellent to read. I totally understand it.. to be trapped and have no way out of your own misery... well this is how I see it..
Yvonne
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Interesting write. I liked the part of the mainstream the best. It makes me think of how society may give people the feeling they have to conform to society's idea of what's normal or right, but really what is normal in this world? People may say they don't agree with the way someone lives their life and say they're not normal, but the people saying those things may not be so perfect themselves in other ways. I think in this world no-one is exactly normal. It's what makes the world so interesting to live in. If everyone was normal, the world would probably be a very boring place to live. Anyway, great write. Good luck in the contest.
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Simplicity Complicated!
This could be interpreted in a few ways (to me) the sexual way or the way of life as some live it. The line "Looking ta the girl who is touching sound" eludes me. Hope to hear from you on that. Good luck in the contest. WASP.
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