how long has it been night?
i havent seen a dawn horizon
and the moon's been a new moon for days upon days
come to think, i cant find a way out of this endless shadow
but think about it, without sunlight i cant find anything
when was i to realize that im vulnerable in pitch black?
in the midst of everything did we forget to look up and see that the sun had stopped shining?
i've found the new ice age inside of you
if i could see the human race go extinct id laugh
but i cant see a thing anymore
In a list
A contest entry
- A Lost Love by Corinthians13-4.
520 points, ended September 11, 2008, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bored... I Want SAD by upperworld06.
360 points, ended October 1, 2008, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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wow that was amazing!! it felt so personal, reading it. like you were talking to me. i love that in a poem- i felt as though I felt what you felt. [[haha- that's a lot of 'felts']] Excellent!!
as they should be, the last 2 lines were the most powerful and moving.
Wonderful write, a great pleasure to read.
From,
Wesley..[x]
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damn that was good!...not like most poems you read...I'd place this automatically if I were the judge of this contest...awesome job...good luck!
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After reading this poem, I totally stared at the screen, mouth agape for a few seconds, thinking "wow. I totally get this." Because this is how I felt. Something inside me was saying that something was wrong, but I always shrugged it off. It didn't occur to me that it had been night for quite so long. And he wouldn't talk to me, so I didn't know what was going on, didn't realize I was sitting in the dark. I totally get this poem, and thank you for letting me read it. My appreciation goes on and on. Good luck in the contest.
<3 Erin -
I have mixed feelings about this: you have some incredible powerful (and even funny) lines, which are undermined by some weak ones. I think with a bit of pruning this could be an incredible piece. the TITLE is AMAZING and those first three lines give a good sense of his lost time. line 7 was for me the most powerful, it kind of sums up the business of our lives and how we forget those things which are most important yet we make most unecessary. the last three lines seem to change course too rapidly...is it a love poem? a murder hate poem? why would you laugh? i think this part needs some extras. also, checkout the repetition of 'think' in lines three and four, and perhaps alter 'endless shadow'--in a poem as original as this, you don't need cliches! basically, keep tightening phrases, use every word, and have no unecessary ones. this is a great poem, please please keep up this fantastic style!
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Amazing write. This is great work. Sometimes you get so caught up in things that you forget to look up, and see the darkness surrounding you. Sometimes you never experience something so cold until you meet someone with a frozen heart. You did a good job on writing about something so plain and putting emotion and edge on it. Great job.
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point is good
the poem is a little awkward but does well in the end. I see things positive and believe that you can even bettre next time around.
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"i've found the new ice age inside of you
if i could see the human race go extinct id laugh
but i cant see a thing anymore"
These last lines were very, VERY good. This was a good poem, and has a lot of potential; there are a few things that could use work though. I think you should break up the lines a bit more, and don't slack on capitalization. It makes the poetry shine that much more. Also, expand on some of the lines that are thought-provoking. Example:
"I've found the new ice age inside of you"
I read that and I'm thinkin How so? Gimme details, girl!
You're a good writer; you just need to tweak.
MORSMORDRE!
- The Dark Lady
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