Detachments
leave
some words unnecessary.
Without a sound
a gunshot
hits her target-
it is less than perfect
like the ripples
on the water-rim
are not concentric.
And right-angles
and wrong directions
won't clear my head from sleep-
i wake up to find you
unfindable.
Author notes
Silence in terms of lonliness and emptiness-
a gun shot fired... does it still make a noise if no one is around to hear it?
Any order externally can not cure the emptiness that silence brings inside, it is not understandable, to be surrounded by noise and feel deafened to any explainable feelings.
a fear of sleeping and finding nothing upon waking...
Let me know if it's not what you are looking for i think i can write something better than this-
Con x
A contest entry
- Silence by -ButterflyCuts-.
300 points, ended June 6, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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+applause.
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Wow. This is beautiful. Depressing and incredibly beautiful. It's so short and it leaves such a lasting impression, and boy am I impressed (:
I love it, I really do. Though I seldom read something of yours that I don't love.
THe last line is perfect. -
This was great, dear. You captured that one moment perfectly. Sorry I can't make a longer comment, just don't know what to say
Good luck, and lovely poem <333 love you 
Jeanette*~
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To me, this piece speaks of that one moment, when all that was is just about to change. One defining heartbeat wherre all the world alters.
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Very Nice
Very well done, short but deep, makes the reader think about things, excellent job, good luck in the contest...Scott -
When I read it again I felt lonely and kind of sad at that fact.
"like the ripples
on the water-rim
are not concentric."
this is a great verse and the word concentric for me ties it all together you have embodied the definition of the word poetically through this poem. -
wow yeah the stillness and over whelming descriptive choices placed here really set silence an understood paradigm, especially with
'like the ripples
on the water-rim
are not concentric.'
it kind of reminds me of the silences that convey so much information that words could ever produce, like the process of elimination the mind would go through in a conversation when tao is being conversed, for words are as we would call them 'perfect' because they exist by their own descriptive nature, yet silence, exists as this yet more so effected in percentage by words themselves to paint each others mind with memory and meaning, and therefore to leave well placed gaps in a poem can become most effective aye? anyheys you have quite the master piece here, so thanks with
-jas
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"words are as we would call them 'perfect' because they exist by their own descriptive nature" - i'm glad you picked up on the perfect idea... silence is flawed because nothing is told by it... words are rounded and complete but silence is limitless-
Yes the gaps were for effect
Thanks so much for the comment.
Glad you liked it
Con x
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good write
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i asked for a critical comment, i do appreciate the compliment but when you use points to get criticism to improve and such it's a bit annoying,
do you have any opinions on the poem other than "good"? if not please click on poems "casually" featured.
Thanks
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Good write
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Umm... thanks.
i did ask for a critical comment though, do you have any opinions on the poem other than "good" ?
Con
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This is a good poem, although I'm more literal minded. Does a gun shot make a sound, if no one is around to hear it? Here is an answer: If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear it, but there's a tape player recording the event, is there sound? A human hasn't heard it... yet. Is it sound when the tape is played? What if the tape is never played? What if it's played backward? What if the person or persons listening are too drunk to pay attention? Does the mere presence of a human at the time of compression and rarefaction denote sound, or do the audio images have to impinge themselves on a human consciousness?
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yeh that's where i got the idea from... but a sound is not a sound but merely waves in the air if nothing not necessarily a human... is there to hear it the "sound waves" will merely keep going until they are too far spread or whatever the physics term is, to be heard. Therefore it doesn't seem a sound was made but merely the potential of one...
i dont know... it's interesting.
Also as this was internal silence there was a double-meaning there... if someone is in pain... and no-one sees/hears/listens/they do not make a sound... to the world they are not in pain.... internally they are-
like the gun-shot...they make a sound to themselves but maybe they can't hear it.
if that makes sense.
Thanks for the comment.
Con
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ja whoa..
thats perplexing but in so many ways NOT perplexing. it had this unique detail that i cant really describe but im suure you know what i mean. damn.. this is gonna be up there with the finalists pretty baby, you betcha..
♥
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I think this piece is peeeeeeerfect for this contest. You really captured the essence of silence and the deafening echoes of it. It made me FEEL lonely as I read it. As if any sound that penetrated the area would be swallowed up and blend with the silence. Time stood still as I read this. Though I'm listening to really loud music right now, I couldn't hear it as I read this. Your piece came off really affective. fantabulous!
much lovelovelovelovelove
♥
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