So clearly I remember
It was in the bleak December
That each tiny dying ember
Threw its ghost upon the floor
In the shadows I could see her
Every pretty little feature
In the dream of being a mother
But the dream is here no more
For when the good lord gave the order
Angels took her from my future
And left me here to mourn her
In the heart which beat so sore
I watched as the beauty shattered
Hit the cold floor with a clatter
Laying bruised and laying battered
As the dream is here no more
~*~
Author notes
Not sure if this works...let me know, thanks for reading xx
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Your imagery and meter and word selection in the first six lines are enchanting.
I struggled thru the next few lines:
In the dream of being a mother--(seems to have too many syllables for the flow, maybe somethng like 'Her dream of being mother)
next line keeps rhythm
For when the good lord gave the order--(again, seems to me to have too many syllables)
next few lines are back in rhythm
I watched as the beauty shattered (would you consider dropping "the" to keep your rhythm?)
Hit the cold floor with a clatter (possibly 'hit the cold floor where it clattered' would rhyme more fully with the previous and following lines, and keep meter)
I enjoyed your poem. I am new to commenting, please ignore anything you don't actually find useful.
Overall, I really enjoyed the imagery you portrayed
-
Brutally Penned
I really found this to be one brutal poem. I really felt that harsh e-motion built through it and it really got my attention. I find myself going back and rereading your powm a few times and I still come up with that conclussion. Now as I reread it a third time I really draw up the conclussion that this was a young person who had a small little baby deep insid eof her but she may have lost it through a miscarriage or just was not the right time. either way it was a very well penned poem. Very good flow and excellent contrast. keep up the good work
Signed, Paul
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