The first time I saw loneliness
It was this void
Trapped in a dark room
This 2'x4'
Murrmering things that cannot
Be heard or repeated
Just worrying about
Why didn't his friend
Return to the safe house
Why did no one return to the safe house
After 4 hours of waiting for anyone
Second time I saw loneliness
It looked like distilled still water
Staring up at a boy
Forced to eat alone
Because no girl liked him
As he couldn't play their game
But being forced to sit and eat
In silence
To just stare at them
Every time I've seen loneliness after that
It was just a reflection
Bouncing off the pupils of a girl
Who was looking at me
Trying to make me understand
We can never be, after slapping me in the face
Two or Three times
For thinking I had a chance with her
Author notes
"My aunt suzie loves pot belly pigs."
in first stanza my friends were shot at the door of our safe house, all 4 of them. Bullet proof and sound proof. Daily there was a temporary void of people on the street at 5pm which is when we went home daily. Or me, daily after that day.
second stanza, around the time i liked girls. I started asking them out. I got around 40 "no's" and atleast 30 of them were mocking me for it. I knew every girl, they used to be friends.
last stanza, that's from more recent years just a generalization. I get slapped alot for that kind of stupidity and genuinuity of feelings,
"hey do you want to go out with me some time? maybe today if you aren't busy?"
"no"*slap**slap* *slap*
people just don't give me a dating chance, don't know why.
In a list
A contest entry
- Entrapment by babi.
800 points, ended June 11, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [[*SoFarAway*]] by Logans-Mommy.
400 points, ended May 31, 2007, 14 entries
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480 points, ended June 25, 2007, 23 entries
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440 points, ended August 18, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark poems by Stormy Days.
300 points, ended January 24, 2008, 18 entries
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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sad and interesting
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Wow, this is so sad. I love it. It really makes you think. It is so beautiful, in it's own depressing way. Excellent job
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Well done
Captures the essence of being alone, a great entry ^^ -
doesnt make me cry...sadly we are all used to and accustomed to abuse in some way or another, this was sad though. and i dont see why they should slap you, sure hitting a woman is wrong, but hell, if they do it again, call them on their bullshit, im a chick, i dont do that. thats b.s., good luck in the contest =].
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i feel for you, loneliess is a killer, loneliness is a void as you said, a never ending tunnel underground that we have to dig with every ounce of enegry we possess to reach the surface again. It's not as easy as some may think to remedy loneliness, it comes naturally to make friends to some, but not to all. Loneliness is like a never ending spiral in our mind, twisting distorting all our thoughts. I have been lonely, i've been there but have come back. It's no easy task but it can be done, i just wish that you find it in you to beat it, and as far as the girl who slapped you in the face is concerned, she's not worth it, if she couldn't see you for who you are then more fool her, its her loss not yours. The imagery you have used, the lines
"It wa just a reflection
Bouncing off the pupils of a girl"
I thought that was beautiful, the thought of seeing lonely you in the eyes of someone else, like accepting you, realising that you are lonely, and the use of the word bouncing is very effective. Use this as the push you need to begin to fight it. Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest babi xxx
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Very sombre, [dark...], lonliness has this itch that reaches to untouchable spots, yet it can be soothed with positive thoughts... Lonliness is but a state of mind, in which we tend to dicect ourselves into something we are not... I get this from this poem, and as I have been a depressant in the past, I can see the alternative to which you speak...
Great write, Well done... Daniel..
Jeffro -
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sorry to not believe you when you say lonliness is a state of mind. But the first stanza was from personal experience. All 3 of my friends died that day. In front of the door, gunned down.
Other than that, i thank you very much for the comment. -
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Sorry to hear that, didn't mean to offend...
Cheers.. -
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hey no problem. I'm just glad you didn't over-state that. Because this was loneliness in a different definition than what you ment.
Just making you aware. Hope you weren't offended by me correcting you in this way.
Peace.
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oh this makes me so sad
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hm.. interesting take on things. I dont know if I like it though. Its a little too dark for me. Great imagery though. It really captures the moment.
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