This crazed depression of mortal hurt and dismay,
Steadies this hateful loneliness as it steals me away.
A skeletal frame of mentality upon my essence is hung,
As I learn to taste the desire of Sorrow on the tip of my tongue.
I take the treachery for I have no impulse to uphold this existence anymore,
So I let the whips strike out spattering my blood as I plummet to the floor.
My only comfort now is that I will be with you once again after all of this is through,
Knowing during the short eternity of our severance my heart always remained true.
These emaciated thoughts whirl feverishly though my ailing head,
Shackling my fighting fists, and escalating my sensitivity to dread.
My psyche has been broken and I feel I’ve been thrust into a dream,
It’s too late now, there is no escape, and my neck is in the Guillotine.
The sharpened blade threatens to come crashing down its steel to my flesh,
A hard earned victory for those who despised me but thought I’d never guess,
That their hatred for me ran so deep and freely with the blood through their veins,
And never thought that I knew they would forever lock me up in these chains.
My head begins to spin as I take one last raspy breath before my lungs collapse,
My eyes begin to lose their focus as death approaches with no hand to grasp.
The frightening darkness dies away into this ethereal glistening white light,
Allowing the brightness to dim finally exposing you to my renewed sight.
Author notes
Yeah I know the structure isn't the prettiest thing in the world but i wasn't satisfied with the order of the stanzas so i flip-flopped a few to make it more logical! Hope you enjoy...keep in mind I'm comin off of a writers block...suggestions are appreciated!
In a list
A contest entry
- Pain by confusionismylife.
300 points, ended March 14, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Wow. That was an intense poem. I loved your use of strong imagery in this. Dark and beautiful.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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Oh wow!
This is great! I love it!
Its wonderfully writen and well its just great! I can not wait to read more of your work! Its wonderful!
~Natalie -
Bravo! This is excellent. What a romantic notion of going to be with the one you love. Finding hope in death. Earthly pain lasts but a time, the end reward is what matters. Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed this very much.
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Darkness with a point
I liked the way there was a reason for your poem having such a dark undertone. So many times I read a poem that has no real point other than to make everything seem hated and unhappy, but i felt more emotion in this piece. Beautiful work!
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This smacks of imagery! So much so it made me feel quite sick, so I guess it hits the spot! Think this works well for you and wish you well with it. Kindest wishes
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this was a very good piece...it was really well written
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great poem
this is amazing, expecially comming out of writers block, which is something i am going through at the moment. So much great imagary, imin love with this poem, wow
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I love this poem!
I t has a very historical feel which I love, but it can also relate to any emotions of sadness, hate, anger.
I especially love the line,
"These emaciated thoughts run feverishly through my ailing head."
That is something that you never hear!
It doesn't matter about the layout.
In my opinion getting the point across is the most important.
I have a suggestion though; maybe the poem would look better aligned to the left.
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this is brilliant, i think we all go through that phase of not wanting or knowing what to write.. congrats for coming out of the other end. this is a fantastic poem keep it up xxx
xxx
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Sweet sorrow soaks my tongue like a wine, too syrupy, to cold and as the whip strikes and the wounds resume bleeding my breathe is caught by the beauty or lack there for of, when the blood hits the ground in such a dismal statement before me.
Wishing only that you were here, knowing now that soon I am to join you.
So handcuff me to the wall-
So high that my toes barely touch the ground
And make me believe that this is all I ever wanted.
And willing my neck rests beneath the blade of death,
And I smile and laugh like I care not.
Of all the people watching, waiting for my demise.
So these chains, I know them well, but they flicker and disappear with the last perchances of reality..
My lungs collapse, my eyes they close... And nothings left..
All I want to know..
Is are you there for me?
~*~*~*~
I like -
This is gorgeous. I don't have any critism. It is beautiful in it's own way. Great job with this. I really like the last four lines. You arranged them in such a beautiful way. Great job
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Congratulations on coming out of your block. This is very rythmic, and I (though an amateur) think the structure is fine the rhyming is very consistent. It doesn't jump around from one stanza to the next. I've always been very particular about consistency in my writing, and I really appreciate the ability in others.
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AMAZING!!!
This is one of the very few poems I've read that the rhymes didn't sound totally forced. The most vivid lines, in my oppinion; "A skeletal frame of mentality upon my essence is hung,
As I learn to taste the desire of Sorrow on the tip of my tongue."
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wonderful thoughts you have on this well described poem! well done! there is actually nothing wrong with this piece. good job!
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It's fine the way it is
wow hey i enjoyed every line... I think writing in structured form really does limit you to how you express yourself, you should write more like this. I think it's awesome
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comming off of writers block? this is real good. it says alot about how you feel and good emotion, sad at times like giving up kinda. oh and i like the way you wrote it too....!
xoxox keep writting -
"As I learn to taste the desire of Sorrow on the tip of my tongue."
"My eyes begin to lose their focus as death approaches with no hand to grasp."
These two lines were my favourites, very deep writing, really loved this one.
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Aside from the somewhat "happy ending", I cant help but feel a depraving sense of just giving up and collapsing into a dark void of apathy.
How haunting.
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Writers blocks have a funny way of keeping everything inside. And when we find the words we want to use, well sometimes they just get lost. It's very aggravating. But I am both surprised, and happy, that you managed something after so long. This is very good. The idea is different, and even if your lines are longer than usual, it's a nice little break from the norm. Well I loved it! :] AnD YOU!
I need to call you soon. I haven't in awhile and I need too! Even though I must tell you nothing new has really fallen into my lap. I could use a break from the everyday average Marissa stuff!
Well I love you deary! :] Amazing write as always!
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