I could feel the blood drain from my veins
You put me through excruciating pain
With each pump of blood which spurted
I saw the death with whom I flirted
The shank in your hand
Had a dangerous plan
And the red flowed like water
As my body was slaughtered
Like superman gone wrong
So full of hate you went on
And my screams pierced the night
I was too weak to fight
Give me the end
So much for your girlfriend
I could hear my ribs crack
With each kick, blow and thwack
I know that you don't hate me
Because you're your own worst enemy
And I lay in a puddle of my own blood and gore
I can't help but love you more
Sick, sick, sick but i can't get enough
I was always a girl who liked it rough
And though my veins are near bled dry
A rapturous scream I do cry
A cry for help, I doubt it
But I can't live without it
The pain is my friend
Though I soon see...
THE END
A contest entry
- Gore laced Insanity by Synthetic-Nightmare.
750 points, ended July 9, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - Dark: Anger, Angst and Goth by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 124 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I think the author of this poem has made good use of rhyme which adds to the momentum when reading the poem and although the topic is dark, this gives it a light feel. The rhythm in the piece is a little out in places, not only in each stanza, for example stanza five, but also between each stanza for example, stanza one has a different rhythm to stanza two.
The images the author has created are good and I personally liked “I could hear my ribs crack / With each kick, blow and thwack” as I could imagine the sounds of bones breaking. I think the emotion is very clear in each stanza and my favourite lines which depict this are “Sick, sick, sick but i can't get enough / I was always a girl who liked it rough.” The little twist in these emotions at the end of the poem was a nice conclusion.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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Oh wow
this is wonderful! So full of dark, twisted emotion. I love it! Kudos on this write and good luck in the contest
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