drifting off-
in the notes of windchimes
her chatter
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Right now I can imagine a grandparent sitting on a back porch with their granddaughter, listening to the windchimes and her speaking and lulling into a gentle sleep. Gorgeous piece, congratulations on the honorable winner!!
Bandaid. -
i enjoy your pieces ... very much
drifting off-
in the notes of windchimes
her chatter
not sure you need 'in the notes' ... windchimes gives us the sound already ...
would it work ?
drifting off
in windchimes
her chatter
you have a wonderful way of getting to the essence of the moment ... nicely done >>> gina -
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Hi Gina, thanks so much for commenting.You are right...actually it was that in the beginning..."in the windchimes/her chatter".I added "in the notes"just to flesh it out a bit and also to satisfy those who insist the middle line be longer.
Glad you liked it.
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Ohh! This is a beautiful haiku very well laid out with L2 being the longest line and wonderful muscial imagery to boot! I like the juxtapositioning of images in this write. L1 made me think that it was a person falling asleep listening to the beautiful chiming sounds produced by a windchime. I like the surprise in L3 wherein you use a touch of sarcasm and inform us that it is the non-stop chatter of a person that gets drowned in the notes of windchimes! How wonderfully captured is this moment are the sense of sight and sound
This is light and crisp as the sound of windchimes. I like the contrast between a chatter(that can get noisy at times) and the delicate sound of windchimes.
All the best,
Char
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Thank you for entering our workshop.
drifting off-
in the notes of windchimes
her chatter
This is a very nice haiku as it is written. I really do not have comments or suggestions. You have written a very well structured haiku. -
Oh, much liked this, the sounds of the windchimes and the whole of it, where one can see and hear what is happening. Good Luck in the contest!
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Both a nice sense of sight and sound through this haiku, and really as light as the windchimes themselves.
And I know that sense of dozing off amidst chatter--Old people chatter all too well!
Jo
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Quite Beautiful
I really love this poem alot. I really enjoyed how deep and visualizally beautiful the wording of your Haiku is. Nice work and keep it up
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Hi...so glad you liked...thanks a lot.
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Welcome to Back to Basics!
A pretty haiku:
drifting off-
in the notes of windchimes
her chatter
This is very beautiful, a wonderful set of sounds. Thank you for a lovely entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
bb - as usual a well crafted and evocative 'ku.
A lovely haiku about an afternoon nap (in my perception) with a slight breeze indicated but not stated and the juxt of a child or friends chatter against the softness of the windchimes. Or it could be that the windchimes sound like a girls bell like chatter.
Think I'll take 40 winks meself
It is so pleasant to read haiku that has the lightness that you impart to yours - a gift, poet
Alan
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Hi Alan,thanks so much...your words mean a lot!
Your perception is absolutely right again. Actually i toyed with the idea of "afternoon nap" for the first line...then settled on "drifting off".The chatter...of my daughter.So happy that you liked it.
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