Envision, if you will, a pain so deep,
Like falling from a plain so steep,
Eternal anguish steeped in frustration,
Multiplied by my people's decimation,
Genocide's evil wrought this devastation.
It's like we can't see the truth before our eyes,
What we've accepted for fact in truth is just a lie,
Handed delusion for decades cleverly cloked in pride,
My pain is universal so I doubt there is refuge to hide,
This poem merely a microcasm of the degradation inside.
We've been so foolish,
So loose with our ignorance,
Forsook intelligence for cluelessness,
Handed it down to our youth with bliss,
Burned our future for the futile; I'm Pissed!!
How can we turn the ever increasing tide,
Replenish our ever decreasing stride,
Diminish the hurt from the secrets we surmised,
Vanquish frivolty where only wisdom should be supplied.
We were once progressive at the pinnacle of our inception,
Suddenly we shifted; reverting to random acts of indescretion,
Prominently prompting me to pen this; my opus of oppression,
We carry around in us endless oceans of insurrection,
Blinded by our daily deception; life's hopeless in this direction,
Plus, when the water's wavering how can we focus on our reflection??
If we could but for a moment candidly speak,
We would reach a point where we could amicably breathe,
Only after we lay bare the bondage we fanatically sheathe,
Maybe then we could open our eyes anew and finally see,
That it takes a unified front in order to be dramatically free.
A contest entry
- Pain. Hit me with your best shot! by VaioXHailey.
300 points, ended June 8, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me Poetry better than my own (Pre-writes Allowed) by McRae by nature.
1000 points, ended August 14, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A CALL TO WRITE FOR ALL WILLING TO ANSWER!!! by Artistic-Soul.
475 points, ended November 9, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Pre-Written Rhyme by piccola.
800 points, ended August 15, 2008, 90 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyming Pre-Write Extravaganza 2 by piccola.
600 points, ended September 29, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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kind of long which I never am able to get completely through unless it captivates me. This didn't I'm sorry it's just too long.
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Yes..you have hit the nail on the head..a unified front before one God, to strive for peace and it begtins with you and me....It can be done...Miracles happen...They start with us....These are my ideals, nephew, they are yours....Wonderful thoughtful long write of much depth....Thank you for sharing this with us...Love one another...the commmand is seen throughout this whole absorbing write.Thanks nephew!
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good thought excellent flow incredibly articulate and a provoking message
"BUT" (oh no i said it the ever painful word) but it was a bit lengthy and it quickly turned into a rant wich makes it difficult to read
its good its very good but because of the length i struggled to get through it -
Very Good write. I agree with what you write here and the rhyme is really good too. Thanks for entering and good luck
Carrie
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Seems like you've boned up on a couple of new fans, and that's good. I've been a little lazy about giving comments lately as I've had nothing to write. I'm sorry about that. I'll try to do better on that.
Anyway, you speak with strong conviction about the laxity of society and the degradation that takes place within it in this piece.
I feel that we have allowed too many demons from our past to take possession of our souls, tainting our perceptions and blurring our pride: if we fail at something, we allow this thought to alter the way we look at/feel about things, and then a constant sense of not feeling as though we are good enough seeps into the minds of our children, and grandchildren, and so forth. How do we stop this epidemic but to battle it the rest of our lives?
I think this is a good poem. However, I would work on tightening your syllabic count (in other words, shorten your lines a bit) so that they don't sound as if they drag on forever. But that is only my suggestion--don't take it for face value as I am often guilty of that myself.
Take care.
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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Thank you
Thanks for the comment. Again I write for the readers to read. Simply put I aimed to make this piece a panoramic view of not only society as a whole but also the black condition in America. thanx again 4 the honesty
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Nice emotion in this and you've used an interesting style and format. Good job with the rhyme scheme. Take care and Have fun. Steve
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Audrey C. Humphrey
I like the vison of the way the poem actually flows. This poet really has an ambition and drive for worldy events and just life in general. I truely enjoyed this poem -
pain!!!! powerful and richly !!!
great job! Keep up the great work and good luck in the contest. Betsy
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beautifully done..
This is powerful and done with beautiful language...
I love the lines:
"Prominently prompting me to pen this; my opus of oppression,
We carry around in us endless oceans of insurrection,
Blinded by our daily deception; life's hopeless in this direction,
Plus, when the water's wavering how can we focus on our reflection??"
Just beautiful!
Lynda
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