You lay in bed, covered tight
You shut your heavy eyes
A lone wolf howls, piercing the night
In the corner of your room lays a surprise
Unseen and unheard it dost creep
Eyes that shimmer like stars
It feeds on your dreams as you sleep
Leaving your heart filled with black scars
As morn comes the shadows flee from the light
You wake to drained and in dispair
Slowly each night your soul ceases to be bright
And the beast of dreams continues it's dark affair
Author notes
Option 2: Dark Poetry
A contest entry
- Battle Of The Muse. Fighting With Ink: {ROUND ONE} by PerfectImperfection.
900 points, ended June 20, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
Very powerful imagery; it helps to convey the emotions in an also powerful way. Some of the images came across as rather cliched, such as "eyes that shimmer like stars." It's lovely and all, but perhaps some more original descriptions could have been used.
Personally, I didn't care for either the rhyme or the arts of old English - 'dost' and 'morn'. I think the rhyme could have flowed better if the syllable counts of each line were the same, or very similar.
Third last line - I think you meant 'too drained' and 'despair;.
Some minor problems in grammar & spelling.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
-
very interesting. A dream eater (demon). very well written indeed. i could almost see the shadows take form and ruin the dreams and then me waking up too tired and worn out and then depressed as life goes on and then suicide or a very messed up life on down the road. wonderful job, and way to keep the reader guessing the future too.
-
Unseen and unheard it dost creep
Eyes that shimmer like stars
OOOOO YEAH this one i like, it speaks soo well to the spirit realm and the very real spirit fights that we go through, and everything helps, dream catchers work to capture this beast, my little brother was having horrible bad dreams, until at a special festival, i made a dream catcher for him and all of a sudden (well over the course of a week) the dreams stopped, not to mention a very vivid dream in a tipi next to a aboriginal sacred site where a spirit had entered my dreams and i was fighting, fighting as the worrior i had found, and in the morning found that my mothers protection circle had been broken by my trip to the toilet in the middle of the night, it was spooky, anyheys your rhyming scheme is nicely done and the imagery is well penned so cheers with vanilla toffee tim tams- jas
-
I think it sounds goofy, and i think that messes with the darkness you are trying to portray. Also, the wolf howl was cliche in my opinion, and you didn't take advantage of dreams. What I mean by that is, you didn't use the poetic possibilities of dreams. You can go anywhere, do anything, be lucid, out of your mind, meditative or in love. The possibilities are endless. It would have beeen interesting to see some real dream-like horrors. I would recommend you watch the takashi miike flim audition or gozu to see what i mean. Ohh, fellini's satyricon would be great as well.
-
Interesting piece. There are a couple of spelling errors as well (to go with twilight seductions critique). I feel that this could have been more, almost like it just stopped short. There is no real depth to the tale, as in a lot of telling but no show; the imagery is faint. The rhyme is also a bit off beat. Thank you for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!
-
wow I like it! you write wonderful poetry. keep it up!
-
WOW ME LIKE LOTS...HEHEHHE
NO REALLY GREAT POEM...
-
Wow. That was really good. Interesting how you combined affaires and a beast of dreams? I believe you called it. Still, very interesting. Good job!
-
Judged
Use of English: 0
No no no no no! Never combine Shakespearean language with contemporary! That's one of the biggest grammar errors you can commit. Also, minor punctuation errors.
Poetic Devices: 10
Quite gorgeous imagery, actually, and rather refined for a dark poem. You have a sense of grace and flow, unlike the more recent dark poetry I've been addicted to. I think, however, that informal language (use of the pronoun 'you' among other things as if it is an everyday conversation) was not the best choice; however, ti did not affect your poem's efectiveness, so I will not penalize it.
Organization: 10
You, this also fits the story option, in a way. Clean cut organization makes this poem a joy to read! You start of with a sense of apprehension, continue with a sinister undertone, and finish with an undercut of menace, and organized the events by stanza! Marvelous, marvelous.
Originality: 10
I have never really seen this type of poem. It is more subtle than the average dark poem, yet no less intriguing and a little hair-raising, because it seems so REAL for a moment. Who doesn't think that there is something in their dreams sometimes?
TOTAL score: 30
Final comments: Lovely, lovely, and would've been ranked higher if not for the English mistakes. Yes, I'm a real lady-dog about those, but in a contest for great poets, I need to be. -
Cool
wow! i can so totally relate to this.. nightmares! yeah, they so so so suck.. i hate going to sleep at times, because of these nightmares.. anyways, a great write, all the best in the contest, i hope u win.. keep the pen rolling, lots and lots of love and cheers, shuvi -
I'd like to know where this wolf comes from. What is this emptiness that gnaws on your soul The meter is a little off. I agree that archaic words like dost are out of place. Poetry doesn't necessarily have to sound old fashioned.
-
I like reminds me of a Coal Chamber song, am I inclined to say which one? Well if you know the band, they have a song called 'Feed my dreams'.
But this was weird. In a good way. I enjoyed it from the usual stuff that people consider dark.
(You might wanna fix up some grammer It doesn't bother me but other judges do like spelling and grammer.)
Thanks for entering. -
This poem sets a tone, and your images definitely emerge from the page, but your meter and rhyme need some work. I don't work much in rhymed poetry so I am not much help but I am sure you could figure out how to put this together on your own. Also the word "dost" seems out of place. I think it is maybe to archaic for what you have written here. Anyway, good job on creating a tone.
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
