Start with ship in space on screen and fade to bridge of enterprise
Ensign Expendable: Captain! There’s a ship off the port bow!
Captain Kirk: Red Alert! All hands on deck.
Computer: Earrrrup…. Earrrup…..Earrrup….
Captain Kirk: “What is it Mr. Spock?”
Mr. Spock: “Interesting.”
Captain Kirk: “I know it’s interesting Mr. Spock, but what is it?!”
Mr. Spock: “It’s your worst nightmare. It’s your mother.”
Fade out with wild music… Roll starting credits…..
Elevator opens and out comes Kay Ballard as Mama Kirk, followed by three Klingons.
Mama Kirk: James Tiberius Kirk! What kind of man did I bring you up to be?
Captain Kirk: Hello to you, too, mother. This is my first officer, Mr. Spock, ship’s doctor, Doctor McCoy, Mr. Sulu at the helm, and over here is Ensign Expendable.
Mama Kirk: Enough about you! Mr. Kotex here from the Klingons says that you transported a bunch of cuddly little tribbles into his engine room. Did you do that?
Captain Kirk: Mama, I…
Mr. Spock: (With authority) Captain!
Captain Kirk: (to his mother) One moment… (Whispers) What is it Spock?
Mr. Spock: (whispering) It seems the Klingons have escalated things to the point of telling your mother. Who knows how far they are willing to take this. We should proceed cautiously.
Captain Kirk: Right at the moment, Mama, I have very important… space business… to conduct. Would you accompany Dr. McCoy for a tour of the ship and we can all meet at briefing room three in an hour. (smiling, then aside to McCoy) I want you to keep her busy and out of mischief until we figure this out.
Dr. McCoy: (annoyed) Damn it Jim! I’m a Doctor, not a tour guide!
Captain Kirk: (Ushers McCoy to the elevator along with the guests) Dr. McCoy will be thrilled to take you for a tour of the ship and show you everything. (aside to McCoy) And I mean everything!
Elevator closes. Cut to closeup of Captain Kirk’s face and funny music. Fade to commercial…
McCoy is giving a tour of the ship
Dr. McCoy: And this is my nurse who ends up owning the entire franchise and the only actor from this series who actually got rich from it. Over here are our botanical gardens…
Suddenly the three Klingons attack McCoy and the two security guards. A struggle ensues. The security guards apprehend the Klingons. Mama Kirk goes nuts and attacks the security guards. She knocks out Dr. McCoy and is restrained in a full Nelson by Mr. Scott.
Meanwhile Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and Ensign Expendable are in the elevator talking.
Captain Kirk: That was brilliant, Mr. Spock, locating Kotex’s mother and informing her of their attack on Dingus 9. She should be here in an hour to take him home by the ear. Let’s see how our guests are doing… (Flips open communicator) Captain to tour party. What is your status?
Cut to the struggle below.
Mr. Scott: I cahn’t hold hur much longuh Captain, she’s givin’ me all that she’s gut!”
Captain Kirk: Just a little longer, Scotty and well be there!… (to camera) I only hope we make it in time.
close up, wild music, fade to commercial
Kirk Spock and Ensign Expendable run to Scotty’s aid just as Mama Kirk breaks free and swings her purse, catching Ensign Expendable in the head. Everyone stops cold… Kirk gets down on his knee and cradles Ensign Expendable in his arms… McCoy uses a tricorder on him.
Dr. McCoy: He’s dead, Jim!
Close up on Kirk cradling body, Spock directly behind on one knee looking serious, McCoy to one side looking about to cry…
Captain Kirk: We come out to the stars we wished upon when we were children only to find death and misery follows us from back home. It is not space and the gaseous clouds, black holes, super-novas, and ion storms that haunt mankind’s exploration into space, it is the specter of the evil he brings with him, namely, his relatives. I think there’s a lesson to be learned from all this.
Cut to bridge. Everything is normal.
Mama Kirk: Well, I’m off. You brush your teeth after every tube of protein, and get a haircut!
She and the three Klingon’s leave, one with his mom dragging him by the ear. Kirk and McCoy watch laughing, Spock raises an eyebrow.
Mr. Spock: Fascinating! It seems that across space, time, and across cultures, moms are the same everywhere.
Captain Kirk: (grinning) Right you are, Mr. Spock, Right you are.
Entire bridge crew except Spock break into laughter. Fade to ship traveling through space and roll end credits.
Gold trophy winner
Adding your comment:
Love, C
and I'll
