It is 3 am and the black sky
overhead resembles a snake,
onyx coils poised to strike. I am
Cleopatra and these pearls will
prove my noose. E'in Sof.
A string of pearls, how queer
to see them dangling so. I would
take them in my hands but they
will not last. 3 am is, of course,
the witching hour
and being such, everyone knows we
are prey to flights of fancy. The coils
will soon tighten around me, and I
will forget how to breathe, and
off I'll go. E'in Sof.
Author notes
Hmm, first stanza good...the rest of it kinda just went...bomb...bang...dead.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This sounds like a story to me it doesn't seem to have power as a poem. You were right about the first stanza this just lacks the memorable descriptive power a poem should have, but put this in paragraph form and see where it takes you.
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"It is 3 am and the black sky
overhead resembles a snake,
onyx coils poised to strike. I am
Cleopatra and these pearls will
prove my noose." <--I love the word onyx, i've used it as well before. my favorite part of that set of lines is the Cleopatra pearls and noose lines. Ab brill, dahling (translation: absolutely brilliant)
OH. MY GOD. THATS SOOO WEIRD O.O i was just gonna use the word queer in a poem today!! (queer meaning weird, of course, not gay) i love that word, it's so oldschool lol, takes me back to like the 1950s...
"A string of pearls, how queer
to see them dangling so. I would
take them in my hands but they
will not last." loooove that
.
I don't think this died, I think it's excellant and consistant, actually
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aww thank ya so much for the comment!
well at least somebody likes it...someone else on another site kindly informed me that this poem, like all my others, wasn't bad but neither was it good...*shrugs* ahh well I'm sure they meant well enough with it lol...
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hmmmmm...maybe i should just leave it as the first stanza...
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