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on the Whims of a Sprite

ONCE NOT SO LONG AGO A LITTLE SPRITE NAMED
WINGED SERENITY DECIDED SHE WAS GOING TO A
FAIR AS SHE HAD NEVER VENTURED AWAY FROM HER
HOME BEFORE, SHE WAS VERY EXCITED

AS SHE LISTENED TO THE GREEN TEA ECHOES IN
COLD TEA-CUPS, HER FAVORITE FAIRYLAND GROUP,
SHE FLEW OUT HER WINDOW STRIKING THE VASE WHICH
STOOD NEAR BY, IT FELL AND SHATTERED WHOLE,YET
SHE KEPT GOING NOT KNOWING IT LAY IN
PRECIOUS PIECES ON HER FLOOR

WHEN SHE  RETURNED AND SAW WHAT HAD HAPPENED SHE

EXCLAIMED "WELL THIS IS THE END OF NOTHING" AND I AM

GLAD I HAVE COTTON CANDY COMFORTS TO SEE ME THROUGH.

Author notes

I HOPE THIS FITS WITHIN YOUR RULES, WINGED SERENTY, GREEN TEA ECHOES IN COLD TEA-CUPS,SHATTERED WHOLE,PRECIOUS PIECES,THE END OF NOTHING,COTTON CANDY COMFORTS

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • DancingRed
    June 14, 2007

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    This piece tells a cute story, but I found it very simple; it could almost be a children's poem, I feel. I enjoyed the ending, but perhaps more metaphors/poetic devices could have been used to heighten the emotions expressed. Nice choice of title.
    Thanks for entering.
    DancingRed.


  • PerfectImperfection
    May 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    A very cute portrayal, of a sprite and her abrupt journey. Interesting piece; it does indeed fit within the rule requirements - although the word bank choices are not listed in your author's notes (as long as I recognize them - it does NOT effect my score). Thank you so much for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!


  • twilight seduction
    May 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Understood

    Okay, I understand. That is the sort of thing it might be good to mention before hand so I do not feel like an ass after commenting. *sigh*

    Revising your score. In lieu of special consideration about your vision, I'll make you an exception to the Use of English rule and give you 5.


  • Naridill
    May 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I found this piece nice. But I did feel the poem was speaking to me rather than showing me something, which is ok, but it feels a little rushed in some parts.
    I don't mind captials and find them written on personel judgement because it is your poem and the way choose to write it. The only thing with that is the title doesn't fit well.
    It had simple imagery produced within which gave it a hint of something to visualize but not much.
    Thanks for entering.

  • twilight seduction
    May 22, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Judged

    Use of English: 5
    It's a combination of your usage of caps and punctuation. It rubbed me the wrong way. (NOTE: I am not the only judge, so they may feel differently; keep that in mind) EDIT: I was informed of the sight thing. The score was revised appropriately.

    Poetic devices: 7
    NOt a lot of poetic devices are used in here. You were very blunt and to the point. However, as you used the word bank, I am being lenient.

    Organization: 8
    Very good. I got it very well, and easily found the beginning, middle, and end, as well as noticing an emotional transition at the end. Ironic, as transitions are usually within the piece, but I am not complaining. Unfortunately, these aren't exactly stanzas. This was more of a prose format, and this IS a poetry contest. (Examples of good poetry-stories are some folk songs and ballads)

    Originality: 5
    It just seems like you didn't spend a lot of time on this. It felt thrown together. That spark of creativity simply was not there.

    TOTAL score: 20
    Final comments: This could stand soem improvement, but it has nice potential to be complex. Although I never rescore, I think that you may stand a better chance with the other judges if you revise.


    • katscradle
      May 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      the reason i used caps was my vision it has nothing to d owith poetic liscence or effect


  • grannyeri gold member
    May 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Not used to reading these poems with capitals all the way through. Seems a bit unnecesary, but figure there must be a reason you do this. Liked this story told in these verses. Cute ending.


  • Sandygram silver member
    May 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    LOVELY POEM

    HELLO, THIS WAS A LOVELY STORY/POEM I ENJOYED READING THIS MORNING. BEST OF LUCK IN THE CONTEST. YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY. SANDY


  • jonnyfaint
    May 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this was neat. your use of alliteration was nice and flattering to me. Those "cotton candy comforts" and "precious pieces" were lovely. I didn't really get the all caps but maybe that was a rule that I missed or something. Anyway, nice write.

    • katscradle
      May 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      no it wasnt a rule i have problems reading light and small print it just makes it esoer for me to re read and edit the piece


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    May 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    KAT, THIS IS A VERY CREATIVE WRITE INDEED THAT TELLS A VERY PRETTY STORY. YOU'VE IMPLEMENTED THE PHRASE BANK VERY WELL TO CREATE A PIECE OF MAGIC THAT BOTH ADULTS AND CHILDREN WOULD ENJOY. I'M GLAD YOU FOUND THE FAITH IN YOURSELF TO ENTER THIS CONTEST, YOU'RE COMING ALONG IN LEAPS AND BOUNDS AND SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOUR INNER GROWTH. THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS PIECE OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL WITH ME AND GOOD LUCK IN THIS CONTEST. BE WELL POET. LA

1 - 11 of 11